Thursday, October 23, 2008

Pick up lines are carp.

Victor and I made it back to the air lock just before the oxy-gum wore out. Victor was shouting something but the sound of the water being siphoned out was too loud.
"What!" I shouted.
"I'm not getting shrunk again!" Victor yelled.
"Tell someone who cares." I shouted back.
We get to the docking bay and Lin isn't there.
"Is this a good thing?" I ask Victor.
"Means I ain't gonna get shrunk." replies Victor. "Or have to listen to her talk, thats all good."
My sensors detect a cloaking device. Lin has a cloaking device.
Hang on!
Suddenly Lin appears in front of us.
Carp! I'm shrinking.
"Oh yeah! Schaudenfrude that Koma." laughs Victor. He then turns to Lin. "Just shrink the cameraman and I think you and I can squeeze in darling'."
"I'm not sure about that Victor?" questions Lin. "My dress could get ripped."
"Well then we'll just have to get naked and oil up to get in." sleazes Victor.
"Ewww! No way dog breath. I prefer my men with a full body wax." Lin's eye's glow and the shrink ray strikes Victor.
Lin scoops the two of us up.
"Now you two are playing nice or else your both traveling in the glove box." she threatens.
"Screw you robo-whore!" curses Victor.
"Glove box it ii-is" sings Lin and she tosses us into the glove box. Not sure what happened to Bob the cameraman but the SHARC took off. Hmm Lin and Bob squeezed into a cockpit. Didn't Bob say something about a full body wax once.
Oh well!
Lin was still feeling generous after we got to the hotel and she unshrunk Victor and I. Bob gave immediate notice to Xavier and the producers and I haven't seen either he or Lin since. I did get a post card from Lin a few weeks later. She and Bob are in Napa growing grapes and breeding goats. I wonder how long thats going to work out.

The producers weren't expecting Bob to leave the show and were at a loss. However it seems that Xavier's minor at Oxford was photography.
"Don't say a single word." warned Xavier.
So it was off to the detour our new cameraman in tow. Unfortunately the steps to the victory podium didn't help Xavier.
The NASCAR driver was a nice guy.
"Well I reckon its a great thing you boys are doing in allowing a special person to be your cameraman." congratulated Petty. "I hope you boys win. Its just great seeing the disabled getting out into the community. Your really doing a great job taking on some one in his condition." Then suddenly he threw himself off the podium.
"Has he got a healing factor?" asked Victor peering over the edge at Petty's unmoving body.
"No he's just a race car driver." I answer.
"Was a race car driver." corrects Victor.
We got back down off the podium and Xavier was whistling a happy tune.

"My turn to pick and I ain't picked up in a while" demands Victor.
"You sure about that?" questions Xavier. "Koma had to make his own woman to score. Then there was that alien lesbian who thought he was a woman. Really I don't see any possibility in any human female kissing him."
"I'm sure who ever I get has fat friend for Him." replies Victor.
"Oh! I forgot about them." realises Xavier. "Fat chicks need love too, no discriminate in this world."
"Then again it don't specify the sex or species of the person you're kissing." adds Victor.
"Maybe we can get that Alien chick over here, if she's not dead or something." continues Xavier.
"Dead alive, it wont matter." chuckles Victor. "I'm quite sure Koma knows all about Necrophilia."
It went on like that for quite some time.
The night club was loud and sweaty. Victor's animal magnetism was a huge plus and within five minutes he'd secured a bevy of ladies. I on the other hand was way out of my natural element.
There was a nice looking girl next to me, she had a bit of a fake tan going but I though I'd have a try.
"Hi I'm Austin." I introduced myself.
"Powers but my middle name's Danger." She sighed. "Get a new line geek."
Thats it Mike Myers is now off my humiliate list and onto my eliminate list.
"Hey I see your not doing all that well with the Ladyz" interrupts this sleaze. I don't like him already.
"So you've got a better way?" I ask sceptically.
"Hell yeah!" he exclaims. "I got a sure fire way to get you the lady of your dreams. Just put some of this in her drink then she'll be putty in your paws." He shows me a little pink pill and gives me a knowing look.
"Hang on let me get this straight." I tell him. "You tell me I'm a failure and then proceed to sucker me in to buy your date rape drugs so I can have sex with a woman who doesn't want me."
"Hell yeah!" he answers.
I stand up and look around sheepishly.
"Can we do this elsewhere? I don't want anyone knowing about this." I tell the sleaze.
"Sure meet me in my office." He points to the mens room and leaves. I watch him go, finish my drink and the girl beside me grabs my hand.
"Its not worth it." she implores. "Its obvious this isn't your kind of place. You look like an ok kind of guy don't become an asshole."
"Its all right." I give her a cheeky smile. "I make guys like him disappear for a living."
"You don't look like a cop?" she questions.
"No I'm Batman." I state in the gruffest voice I've got. I don't wait for an answer from her I go straight to the mens room. I walk in and greet the sleaze.
"You better have cash buddy we don't take VISA." the sleaze jokes. I just pull out my blaster.
"Nice kiddie toy, sure the girls'll love it. Money now." he demands.
If I could make a drug to give the euphoria I get when I kick the crap out of sleazes like this guy I reckon I'd make a fortune. After beating him up I made him go around aplogising to all the women in the nightclub. Last stop is the girl with the fake tan.
"Last one then you can leave." I tell Him.
"I sell date rape drugs preying on both men and women. I'm sorry for being a pox on all humanity. If you wish to express your rage physically on my person at this time, please do. Thank you." the sleaze repeats.
"Ugh! I don't even want to touch him." fake tan girl says in disgust.
"Ok your free to go." I release the sleaze and he races out of the club. I retake my seat beside fake tan girl.
"I know you're not Batman." she tells me.
"Buuut?" I prompt.
"You do deserve something for what you did." she bites her lower lip.
Date Rape Drug Dealers 0
Koma 1
Victor 5


Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

Oh Koma, you're so big and strong! Save me save me, I'm just a weak helpless girl, tee hee.

Professor Xavier said...

First of all, let me just assure everyone that I would never abuse my powers by making a NASCAR driver fall off a podium.

Secondly, well done humiliating that sleeze.

Paula Abdrool said...

You should like totally switch from being a super-villain to a super-hero! Maybe you could like fly around the planet really, really fast and turn back time and then decide to be a hero!

captain koma said...

She wasn't helpless. She was just congratulating me on a service I performed. Kicking the shite out of scumbags. Its an Australian tradition.

Nepharia said...

Koma, as a super villain, do you ever get the girl? Could this be a turning point in your career?

George said...

Love your blog.