Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The adventures of Long Claw Logan, and the angry space monkey


I can't believe I am here using my powers to fix the hole the shuttle punched through the hull. I think Xavier is using his mental powers on me because normally I would toss these egg head scientists out of the air lock for suggesting such a thing.

I growl at the thought. But I finish using my energy blast as a welding torch. Just in time to hear the new challenge go to Doom's Castle then get the detour there. The Staff lead me down a long claustrophobia inducing corridor.

They show me this glistening egg shaped ship with these gossamer wings. The Rodent was already there waiting. “Took ya long enough bub." We jump in I press the start button, and of course nothing... sigh.

“Now should we ask for another ship?" Logan snorts.

I think for a second. “Hmmm. No this is a race we need to get to Doom's Castle fast hold on." I sense out Doom's life energy. I hop out of the ship... “Logan strap your self in this is going to get rough."

I pick up, and then toss the ship towards Doom's ki. I put up my own energy field and fly behind the vessel. For a second I stare at the azure planet below us, and wonder how many of my problems would just go away if I blew it up.

Meh I couldn't get submarine sandwiches if I did that. I'm protected by my Ki shield from the effects of reentry. Can't say the same for Logan as ship is smoking and, on fire luckily it still goes into the direction I threw it until something catches it and makes it go to this hill.

Turns out there was a beacon the ships followed automatically now we had to ride one of those stupid double bikes. All the way up the foot path to Doom’s castle people laughed at us. I blasted at them not hitting them but warning them to back off. “Ya know bub if ya actually paddled this'd go be over a lot faster ." Wolverine grunts.

I do as he asks making the bike go at about 90 MPH. The chain breaks and the tires bust, the two of us along with the bike slam through Castle Doom's fences, and the outer wall into the throne room.

“Surprise!" I announce as I fly through the hole I broke into the wall. This place is dark and drab, old style medieval castle which makes the computers, and robots running around look very out of place.

The Tin plated tyrant Dr. Doom glares at me then later Logan busts out from the rubble of the wall. “Why can't you do anything without destruction? Doom shouts. “You fool Doom will make you pay for this insult."

I smirk “You’re just angry that I foiled your last world domination plot. Well that and, I do not speak in third person."

“Doom will honor his contract with the Mutant Xavier, and let you choose your challenge but as soon as you’re finished I want you out of my sight!"

I laugh "fine... not as if I actually like being around you all that much. Bring on the challenges."

He points over to a screen that shows a place I know all to well flames, demons torments, New Jersey... no wait that's Hell, well that's almost as bad.

“You can go through Doom's Transference Chamber and free souls from Hell."
Doom yells. I look in and behold my in-laws in there. I'd rather not have them back in my life.

"And the other challenge?" I ask.

“Wait a second..." Logan starts up before I punch him.

“You can go to the year 1504, in a search of pirate treasure." Doom says.

“We’ll take that one."

I drag the Rodent onto this platform with what looks like a giant floor tile in the center. “Are you sure this is a time machine?" I query before the floor tile swallows us and the next minute the cool Eastern European mountain air is replaced with sand, surf, and tropical sun.

I look down , and find my Saiyan Armor has been replaced with pirate garb.As well as Logan's X-man costume.

Doom's voice comes over this radio in my pocket wow it can receive through time? “Remember when you're ready to return. You can press the button on this receiver. Please do try to not cause too much damage to the time stream."

I was about to have a smart remark when I smell a familiar scent.... no way. Perhaps I am delusional from being around smelly Logan for so long. I sense her ki too... Hmmm Maybe I can get rid of a little of this frustration and perform this challenge while I'm at it or let the Rodent do all the work. I fly towards the ki.

Idiot Logan runs after me like a lost dog. Not that it matters I find what I'm looking for her... and younger. With a child version of Kakarot, and Krillian.

She looks at me “Ooooh a hot Pirate he like has his teeth and everything. Bulma jumps on me, and feels my arms " Oooh those muscles." Wow she's a lot more forward than when I first met her.

“Jeeze Bulma do ya have to jump every guy with a pulse?" The Cue Ball complains.

The Mini Clown yells “Hey! I'm Son Goku! We're on a time travel adventure looking for Dragon balls!"

"I know who you are Kakarot."

" What's a Kakarot?" the kid clown whines.

I grind my teeth. “So um...." How did those damn pirates talk again? "Arr how old ye be wench?"

"Eighteen." She giggles. Perfect.

“Logan ... Why don't you do whatever it was we were supposed to do here. I'd like to show this young lady some um hidden treasure."


You have to be flamin' kiddin' me. The space monkey left me wit' two freaks so he can go screw up his own flamin' history, literally. Great Veg head just great. The kid “Carrot" or whatever the hell his name is looks up at me “Can we help you whatever your doing?"

I sniff at their bags their bags and box no treasure just cookies. “No Kiddo, one Saiyan is enough. And I don't think whatever your noseless friend is will be of much help either."

Ya know this could be a good thing Vegeta is pretty much a walkin' nuke. He would just blow up the island and find the treasure. Me I head over the local Tavern. It's pretty much what ya'd think it'd be. Watered down rum that'll give ya dysentery. Scum O' the Earth. All gettin' drunk and braggin' way too much. I sit patiently in the in the corner amidst the clouds O' tobacco smoke, and the rowdy partyin' no one notices the ol' Canuckle Head.

It did cross my mind to chat up one O' the ladies. But one might be my great grandmother. Unlike what those drugged out Sci- Fi authors write, I'm pretty sure ya can't be yer own grandpa.

Finally a pirate goes outside ta “drain the lizard” I follow him out.

I sneak up behind him in an alley and grab him after he finishes his business. “Sorry matey we only do that kind of thing on the ship."

I punch him in the guts. “I heard enough flamin' gay jokes fer several life times bub. But ya don't have the kinda jewels I'm after ya might be able to help me find 'em along wit' some dabloons and pieces O' eight."

“You want treasure? You're stealing from pirates?" he's gasps.

“Bingo!" I smile.

“Red Beard will kill you!" He threatens.

“Tell 'im to get in line now go!"

We walk fer I guess it would be about a mile. I keep the flintlock that came wit' this get up to his head. Finally he points at the ground. “There’s what you seek stranger.”

“Well then start ta diggin'" I order.

“I don't have a shovel!" He whines.

“Ya got hands!" I snort.

“Why do I have to dig?" He whines.

“I have the gun." I point out.

When he finally digs out the treasure, after a couple O' hours. I'm bushwhacked seems someone actually misses this idiot. They club me in the back O' the head wit a stick O' some sort. I turn an' count five. I tackle 'em many O' have scurvy and aren't that great A fighters.

That wasn’t the worst O' my worries all o' the sudden cannon fire comes at me from one a ship sailing towards the island. So I decide ta do the one thing they'd never expect.

I run towards the ship, usin' my mutant muscles I jump off the shore onto the deck. They’re all shocked at my leapin’ ability. “Canadians can jump." I quip as I knock out the last of the teeth O' the cannon guy.

I'm swarmed by pirates when they shot, and stabbed me it takes everything I have not to go bezerk, and kill the lot O' em. I knock them all a way and run towards the Captain.

“You want to die my hand huh Mongrel? Well Red Beard will send you to your watery grave!"

I pull out the sword “Yeah Yeah." Our blades clash and mine breaks like it was made O' glass. I look down at the handle “Made in Taiwan? Damn yer cheapness Doom!"

Okay I been tryin' not to do this but it looks I ain't got a choice. I feel the familar pain in my wrists and the "Snikt!" sound. I cut through Red Beards sword like ribbons.

“A demon!" Red Beard yells.

Hmmm this could work. “Yes I'm a demon! Now get outta my way!"

That was a mistake as one O' the sea dogs got to the cannon and fired it right at me the force O' the ball knocks me through that air, and into a store room. I'm bleedin' all over the place.

I lay down tryin' to catch my breathe until my mutant healin' factor kicks in. After I'm knitted up I look around fer somethin ta use looks like the privateers really do think I'm a demon especially after I got up from a cannon bal blast.

I grab some tobacco this is the good stuff, and I'm makin' some cigarettes later. Some bottles of rum, I tear off the sleeves O' my shirt, and make some Molotov cocktails Outta the rum. I take out my lighter, and set the cloth on fire.

I then toss em' out lettin' them set fire to the deck, I also grab a barrel full O' spices. I charge out, bustin' the barrel open in the faces O' waitn' pirates.

While they're coughin' the powder up I run up to a rope and swing off the ship, during the swing I cut the mast down wit' my claws, knocking the sails down onto any charging pirates.

As I let go o' the rope I yell " Yoikes and away!" Wait a second that's Robin Hood not a pirate. Aw never mind. On the beach I grab the treasure, and am about to activate the signal ta get back to my time.

Red Beard Emerges from the foamy sea. I look over to the ship that’s now ablaze. The rest O’ the buccaneers are jumpin’ off as well. “Who are you?"

"Names Logan bub." I was about to press the signal to get back to the present when I remembered Vegeta has it damn I start sprintin, after while it ain't just pirates chasin' me but priests too yellin' they were gonna exorcise me. Where did they come from? No way am I gettin' exorcised last time was bad enough. " VEGETA! Ya damn Space Monkey get us outta here!"

A blast knocks them all back but doesn't kill them. “I see you just had to get into trouble eh Rodent?" He’s floating above the scene with a creepy looking satisfied look on his face.

“Shaddup an' get us outta here!" I yell.

He presses the button and we’re back in Castle Doom, we race to the throne room.

“There I got the booty" I drop the treasure proudly.

"So did I." Vegeta smirks, I roll my eyes.

Doom was staring at a history book “Want to explain who Long Claw Logan is Wolverine?"



Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

Long Claw Logan is Wolverine?

*Slaps forehead*

Randy said...

Yo dog, that was tight. Your team is da bomb!

Professor Xavier said...

Show her your hidden treasure?

See - a dick joke with subtlety. Hilarious! I laughed out loud.

Then I cried at all the damage Logan did to the time stream.

captain koma said...


Oh sorry I must have nodded off there for a moment.

Vegeta said...

Hmmm I suppose we shoud hear about how you look like a woman again... I guess that'll wake you up.

Paula Abdrool said...

Vegeta you are the best! I want to stuff you into the trunk of my car and drive across country with you, just knowing you're there with me!

Simon said...

eww, so now you're your own grandfather or something? Icky

Nepharia said...

Awesome. I love a good pirate story -- especially when the bad guy wins. :D