Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: Going Back in Time

“I knew you’d kill us! I knew you’d kill Toad!” he screamed.

“Hang on,” I gritted my teeth. “Hang on.”

“We can’t stop him!” Toad wailed. “You are mutant killer!”

“We’re outgunned, but we’re not outclassed,” I said. “Get that cannon loaded, I’ll get this ship turned towards---”

I didn’t finish my sentence. There was a bright flash as we were strafed again. I felt the heat and searing pain, the concussion of the blast, the smell of burning flesh – my burning flesh, and the deafening sound of the explosion. Then nothing.

* * *

“Revenge,” I heard him growl under his breath.

“What did you say?” I leaned towards him.

“Toad will have his revenge for what you did to Toad’s master,” he replied more assertively.

I blew out a long breath and fought for my composure. Gotta keep it together with my new partner, right?

“It wasn’t my fault,” I started to say. Screw it. I can’t get on the defensive here. Toad’s a toady right? That’s where he got his name, so I’ll have to use that to my advantage.

Toad looked at me a little frog-eyed but didn’t say anything. He did grit his teeth a little though.

“Toad, I like you.” I put my arm around the long-tongued mutant.

“You like Toad?”

“Well sure,” I shrugged. “I mean I got nothing against you, you know. In fact, I have a special job that I think only you can handle.”

“Me?” Toad asked quietly.

I leaned close. “I need someone to check the landing struts on this dropship,” I said quietly. “I have to do the preflight checklist and I need someone I can depend on to check the undercarriage.”

“I’ll do it!” he swung his arm with eager enthusiasm.

* * *

“I knew you’d kill us! I knew you’d kill Toad!” he screamed.

“Hang on,” I gritted my teeth. “Hang on.”

“We can’t stop him!” Toad wailed. “You are mutant killer!”

“We’re outgunned, but we’re not outclassed.” The words “dead duck” came to mind, but we still had a chance. “Get that cannon loaded, I’ll get this ship turned towards---”

I didn’t finish my sentence. There was a bright flash as we were strafed again. I felt the heat and searing pain, the concussion of the blast, the smell of burning flesh – my burning flesh, and the deafening sound of the explosion. Then nothing.

* * *

“We’re going to die!” Toad screamed. “You are the Mutant Massacrer! Those New Mutants were calling you the Mutant Massacrer and that’s what you are!”

“I am not,” I said as I gripped the controls of the dropship. “Massacrer isn’t even a word!”

“Should I see fire on the wing?” he suddenly asked very quietly as he peered out the cockpit window.

“No,” I shook my head while fighting the controls. “We have no power. What could be on fire?”

“Maybe the Professor did this to get rid of me!” Toad screamed. “He always hated the Brotherhood of Mutants.”

“Aren’t you the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants?” I asked.

“Whatever.”

“Well he’s not mad at me, why would he want to kill me?” I asked. “Unless he’s mad that I wouldn’t let him grab my ass. Would he want to kill me for that?”

“Xavier’s an ass grabber?” Toad snapped his fingers. “I knew it!”

“This crate feels like I’m trying to steer an elephantous through Ganarvian quicksand.” I felt a bead of sweat trickle down my brow. “Hang on, this is gonna be rough.”

* * *

“I knew you’d kill us! I knew you’d kill Toad!” Toad screamed.

“Hang on,” I gritted my teeth. “Hang on.”

“We can’t stop him!” Toad wailed. “You are mutant killer!”

“We’re outgunned, but we’re not outclassed.” Maybe I could push this thing into the wind and move away from the laser fire. “Get that cannon loaded, I’ll get this ship turned towards---”

The ship flew over us again, strafing us with its laser cannon. I felt the explosions ring around me, then nothing. Almost nothing… an odd feeling carried through this nothingness.

* * *

“Well, any landing you can walk away from, huh?” I said as I squinted at the twisted wreckage that was once our dropship. “That leap you made from that thing… that was amazing… I honestly didn’t think you could do it. Thanks for saving my life.”

“No,” Toad shook his head. “You saved Toad’s life. We’re even.”

“Even,” I nodded, and then stuck my hand out for him to shake. “Partner.”

“Partner?” He looked at my hand, then grabbed and pumped it. Ew slimy. “Parnter.”

OK, confession time, I got Toad figured out. He’s a toady right? All he needs is a little respect. He and I are best friends now because I gave him a job to do before we left and then gave him a candy bar. Oh yeah, plus I let him save my life. Let him. Yeah that’s the ticket.

* * *

“I knew you’d kill us! I knew you’d kill Toad!” Toad screamed.

“Hang on,” I gritted my teeth. “Hang on.”

“We can’t stop him!” Toad wailed. “You are mutant killer!”

“We’re outgunned, but we’re not outclassed.” Fracking galleon. We’re just sitting in the water. “Get that cannon loaded, I’ll get this ship turned towards---”

The ship flew over us again, strafing us with its laser cannon. I felt the explosions ring around me, then nothing.

* * *

Redbeard had his pistol leveled at me and his cutlass point right in Toad’s throat.

“You’ll not be taking me booty today,” he growled.

“You got us,” I conceeded with my hands in the air. “There’s nothing we can do.”

“Arr, there may be one thing,” he leered at me, looking me up and down. “To save yer scurvy life.”

“Oh wait, there is one other thing,” I answered. “Have you met my partner’s tongue?”

“His wot?”

Suddenly, the slimy thing shot out of Toad’s mouth, wrapped around the pirate’s near arm and pulled him off balance. I took the opportunity to chop the pistol out of his hand, then quickly followed that up with a spinning heal kick. Toad finished Redbeard off by leaping high into the air and landing right on top of his chest, driving all of the air out of the pirate’s lungs.

“Good job, partner,” I said.

“Goodth thob, partner,” Toad grinned and repeated with his tongue still halfway wrapped around the pirate’s arm.

“The treasure is on his ship.” I pointed to the galleon. “Doom’s time machine is just on the next island over. With a good wind, we’ll be there in an hour.”

“Let’th go!” Toad hopped up and down.

“Not so fast,” came an unusual but unmistakable voice from the trees.

“Frack.”

“Frack is right,” the grinning ghoul replied as he stepped out from his concealment with a wicked looking laser pistol pointing the way. “I’ve come a long way to kill you, Jan, and I’m going to enjoy this. Oh I’m going to enjoy this immensely!”

“Who are you?” Toad asked.

“Captain ‘Black’ Jack Blackheart,” I muttered. “One of my worst enemies who’s remained completely unmentioned until just now and one of the galaxy’s worst mistakes.”

“Worst mistake?” he grinned. “Oh come now, Jan. I am many things. A thief, a space pirate, an occasional mercenary. But I am certainly not a mistake. Go ahead and ask my pod mom, there was no mistake when she husked me in the birthing chamber.”

“I would ask her, except you killed her,” I replied.

“Oh yes, there was that,” he laughed. “In any case, I’ve travelled this whole distance across time and space just to kill you, might as well get it over with, eh?”

“Blackheart the blackguard, Blackheart the blackguard,” Toady sang.

“Shut up,” Blackheart growled as he cocked his laser pistol.

* * *

“I knew you’d kill us! I knew you’d kill Toad!” Toad screamed.

“Hang on,” I gritted my teeth. “Hang on.”

“We can’t stop him!” Toad wailed. “You are mutant killer!”

“We’re outgunned, but we’re not outclassed.” I’m in an ancient pirate ship going against a Blastnav 32 Ion gunboat. Yeah, I’m up shart creek. We’re just sitting in the water. “Get that cannon loaded, I’ll get this ship turned towards---”

Energy beams pounded the wooden deck of the galleon. Explosions rang all around. Then suddenly I felt nothing. Wait. Not nothing, more like…

Déjà vu.

* * *

“I can’t believe we got away from Blackheart like that,” I said as we sailed towards the island containing Doom’s time machine. “That was a one in a million shot there.”

“Toad sees the island!” he hopped up and down. “We’re almost there.”

“Oh oh,” I said as I looked back and saw a Blastnav gunboat pop up from the trees where we just left Blackheart. “Trouble.”

“What?” Toad looked and his eyes bulged out of his head. “No no, we can’t fight that!”

“We’re almost there, maybe we can make it.”

“No maybe,” the mutant screamed as the ship shot towards us. “No maybe. He’s going to kill us!”

“We’re close,” I said. “The cannon. Get to the cannon.”

“You want to shoot that thing with an old cannon?” he wailed. “We’re doomed as doomed can be you know!”

This ship roared overhead as blaster bolts splashed the water around us and slapped the starboard hull. Ungh, so close.

“I knew you’d kill us! I knew you’d kill Toad!” Toad screamed.

“Hang on,” I gritted my teeth. If I could turn this just as he fired, maybe he’d miss. “Hang on.”

“We can’t stop him!” Toad wailed. “You are mutant killer!”

“We’re outgunned, but we’re not outclassed.” This wooden boat floating here was no match, but I’m not going to give up. Wait, has this happened before? “Get that cannon loaded, I’ll get this ship turned towards---”

Energy beams pounded the wooden deck of the galleon. Explosions rang all around. Then suddenly I felt nothing.

* * *

“I knew you’d kill us! I knew you’d kill Toad!” Toad screamed.

“Hang on,” I gritted my teeth. “Hang on.”

“We can’t stop him!” Toad wailed. “You are mutant killer!”

“We’re outgunned, but we’re not outclassed.” Wait a minute. Wait the frelling minute. I know that this has happened before. It’s like a time loop.

Explosions. Nothing.

* * *

“I knew you’d kill us! I knew you’d kill Toad!” Toad screamed.

“Hang on,” I gritted my teeth. “Hang on.”

“We can’t stop him!” Toad wailed. “You are mutant killer!”

“We’re outgunned, but we’re not outclassed.” The time loop. The fracking time loop! I quickly grabbed my comm and called up Blackheart. “Blackheart, what the frell?”

His ship roared overhead as laser fire slapped the water. I could hear his laughter.

“I’m a little busy,” he replied over the radio. You know, busy trying to kill you. Maybe you could call back later.”

“Dammit, Jack,” I yelled into the mic. “We’re in a time loop. Your time machine and my time machine crossed streams. We’re stuck in a loop!”

“Well at least I get to blow you up a lot,” he replied giddily. “It’s not so bad for me.”

His ship roared past us again. He wagged the wings back and forth just to jab the tiger a little.

“Is that goram cannon loaded yet or not?” I yelled at Toad.

“Yulp, yeah,” he replied. “It’s for shooting other ships though. We can’t elevate it.”

“Get ready to light the fuse!” I yelled. Then I keyed the mic. “Look Jack, maybe we haven’t had the best relationship in the past…”

“You tried to shoot me into a black hole,” he answered.

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “Sorry. Look, I want to make it up to you. If you swing past again without blowing us up, I’ve got something to show you.”

“Really?” he replied smugly. “Well, I guess I can blow you up at my leisure, eh? Might as well see what you got then, right?”

“Right,” I said as I started to undo the top of my flight suit.

Blackheart pulled his gunboat to a hover and slid to a stop across the water, just thirty or so yards from us. I quickly pulled my top open and showed him my bra. Yeah, I know not my brightest moment, but it was a nice little black lacy number that I got from Fredrick’s of Hathrox III.

“Well that sure is nice!” Blackheart giggled. “Got any more?”

“Not likely,” I replied. “Toad, now!”

Toad quickly propped the cannon up aimed right at the gunboat and light the fuse. Gunpowder ignited and with an ear splitting boom, the cannonball sailed out and smashed right into its fuselage.

“Nooooooo!” Blackheart yelled as his ship slammed into the water.

“Yes.” I punched the air happy with success.

Back at Latveria, Toad and I dropped the treasure chest at Doom’s feet.

“There,” I growled. “There’s the treasure. Happy?”

Dr. Doom looked down at the wooden chest then looked back at me.

“Yes,” he answered. “Yes, Doom is happy.”

I stormed over to Xavier. “Look. Toad’s fine. Look at that. Amazing isn’t it?”

“Quite,” he exhaled from his wheelchair.

“In fact, he’s better than fine, he’s great. We’re actually a really good team and I’m happy that I have him. He’s happy too, just look at him over there. He’s just standing there as proud as a fracking peacockhawk of what we accomplished. Look at him.”

Professor Xavier looked over at the long-tongued mutant who was gleefully standing and waving. Suddenly, Redbeard’s pirate ship dropped out of the sky and crashed right on top of Toad.

“…………………………ow…”

I looked back at Xavier who was sitting there with his mouth hung open. “Well… That was unexpected…”