Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Rightio, I suppose I should review all the other contestants, recap to draw this out longer, perhaps say nice things about the losers to sooth their egos. But I really don’t want to, I have better things to do with my time. If you have questions about my judging, give a yodel on the comments section and I’ll answer them to the best of my god-like abilities.
So it’s the final three, all selected to Host instead of take on pirates. Makes it easy to compare all your attempts since no one tried to be unique. See let us take a looky loo at your attempts.
Bennet: Excellent job, you actually mostly achieved what you were tasked to do. You also managed to get some pesky garden vermin killed in the process. Not too shabby. Actually, this was a good showing on your part.
Jan: How sad that Xavier saved your most vapid useless partner until last. You had a strong showing and Dazzler’s breasts made an excellent effort at entertaining. But a hair pulling fight? How cliché.
Petrelli: If we’d only known the way into Emma knickers was booze and some leather clothing, I would have invested in some of both from the very beginning. But I liked your attempt at coupling up passengers.
So who won? Well, it’s been a crazy long race, my little peons, and you three have raced better than all the others. But who was the best? Who raced the fasted and strategized the best? None of you really, I think it’s all sheer dumb luck that has you three here. But whatever the reason, only one of you managed to milk that luck to the very end.
And that person first to the finish is…
Nathan Petrelli! You must have been motivated to haul your fanny at warp speed after getting your girl stolen from you by an ugly man with a small vocabulary and even smaller brain. Congratulations, may this take the sting out of your strike out.
Jan and Bennet, you both were excellent this time, it was very close. Veryveryvery close. And no, Bennet, I don’t hold you hooking me up with Paula against you, lots of people try, but I prefer my women not to be a train wreck. Everyone did an excellent job and should you have questions about why I judged as I did, leave a comment and I’ll try to answer it.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I have good news and bad news. The good news, we’re on our final challenge. It’s been a long road filled with adventure and love, even if Emma doesn’t want to admit it. The bad news, Bennet, oh how I loathe that man, has placed a yield on me. $@#$ One day I’m going to get even with him, but it will have to be after I repay him for saving my life and raising my illegitimate daughter. I wouldn’t want to appear ungrateful or anything. #@$#
Ten minutes later…More good news, although, the yield might cause problems, I decided not to whine and make the most of my time, so I went to find Emma so I could collect on her promise several posts back. She is supposed to give me a little action. I put on my best suit, splashed on a little man perfume, and practiced my most dazzling smile in the mirror. “Oh Yeah, I’m irresistible.”
Another ten minutes later….More bad news, when I got to Emma’s room, she said she had to wash her hair. I thought it looked fine, but she was rather insistent. By the time she was finished, it was time to make our way to the
“Why are you staring at me Petrelli?”
“Huh, what? I’m not, I was just thinking.”
She looked at me for a second before saying, “Nah, too easy.”
Grabbing our two jet packs, she threw one to me. I’ve never worn a jet pack before, but it looked sort of kinky so I went with it. There wasn’t anything sexy about it though. As soon as I put it on, it propelled me into the sky like a rocket. I passed birds, airplanes, and one oddly shaped UFO before it sputtered and died on me. I pushed buttons, I cursed, I cried and then I plummeted toward the earth.
Although, Emma said I screamed like a girl, I emphatically deny it. It was a manly yelp based on gravity confusion. I could hear Emma yelling my name. Poor dear, she loves me so much. She must have been terrified at the thought of losing me. Unfortunately, I was so terrified, I couldn’t comfort her, but I could see she had changed direction with her own jet pack and was heading toward me. Suddenly, she was beside me, my scantily clad angel. I reached out to her, but she knocked away my hand. “You idiot, you don't need me. You can fly on your own.”
Well,… “Oh yeah.”
I willed myself to stop my downward spiral and found myself floating in the air. I looked to Emma and said, “I was just testing you,…just so you know that.”
“Yeah, right Petrelli, let’s go.”
I followed her dutifully to the control room where we were both greeted by Captain Stubing. Emma sighed heavily, and told him, “Skip the spiel. From the way Petrelli is salivating, I’m sure he is going to choose Host.”
Stubing scratched his bald head, and said, “Let me introduce you to our cruise director, Julie McCoy. She has the passenger list. Feel free to coordinate with her to make our passengers’ dreams come true.”
I grabbed the list and flipped through it, picking out several people at random. I showed it to Emma and encouraged her to lounge by the pool. Satisfying the fantasies of others is my specialty.
The first on my list was Chuck Norris, a man’s, man. He is rugged, strong, a man of few words and he came aboard because the next port of call will put him one step closer to his dream. He wants to relive his glory days back when he trudged through the thick brush of the Brazilian Rain Forrest.
“Kiss My Grits, Congressman Petrelli! I never said make me scream for Jesus…Well, not exactly.”
“Calm down Flo. Let me introduce you to one of our esteemed passengers, Chuck.”
I motioned for Chuck to come closer. “Chuck this is…Chuck?”
I noticed the dazed look in his eyes but before I could ask if he was alright he pulled out a huge machete. “Look at that!” he yelled, pointing at Flo’s hair. “Wild fire in the bush!” With a primal yell, he charged at her.
Flo screamed, “Sweet Jesussss! Ahhhhhh!” and took off running for the stairs.
I noticed Emma eyeing me from the bar where Isaac was trying to chat her up. I gave her the thumbs up sign. One happily satisfied couple down and two to go…
I pull out the passenger list again. Next on the list was this man, Mr. Furley. Although a little homophobic, still a basically nice guy. He runs an apartment complex for men sexy enough to have three female roommates. (I’ll be putting my application in as soon as we get back to shore.) He’s looking for a little bit of loving on this cruise, and I think for obvious reasons, he needs help.
“What do you mean? I’ll have you know I’m a stud.”
I pat him apologetically on the shoulder. “Sorry, Mr. Furley. I’m a stud. You’re more of a dud; but for every man, there is a woman-- perhaps in your case a desperate woman. Ahhh, speaking of which, here is your date now….
“Free meat? Well, I hate to pass up a bargain like that. Tell me, are you opposed to brown paper bags…?”
“I’m not opposed to them, if you’re not opposed to them.”
…and off they went. Two couples down and one couple to go.
Our next lucky passenger is …
“This is Emma. She is well endowed and sort of dominates the men in her life. I’m OK with that.”
The sputtering that could be heard from the bar was caused by Emma. She stood and staggered toward me. Aha. She was drunk and some what powerless to kill me…unless she wanted to take out the whole ship at the same time… I couldn’t believe my luck. I helped her to a chair and was about to commence my wooing…when I heard a blood curdling scream. It was Flo.
She ran past me and yelled, “You no good falootin’ politician…You’re gonna’ kiss my grits and then some, when I’m through with you.”
I was a little worried, so I followed her back to the bar and bought her a few drinks. After her fifth one, I slipped her the satisfaction form for her to sign. Woo Hoo…I was pretty excited because that meant I was still two down…so I got up and made my way back to Emma only to find to my shock….
“FOILED!!!!” It was the Fonz. He was onboard to pick up some chicks, and he had picked up mine!!! No!!!
I said, “You can’t have her.”
He said, “Heyyyy…”
I said, “I saw her first.”
He said, “Heyyyy.”
I said, “Let’s just ask Emma.”
She said, “hehehehehe…Leather.”
I said, "#$#$%$."
He said, “Heyyyyyy.” And then he walked off with my girl. I mean, yeah he said good things on the satisfaction form and technically I made my quota, but he totally stole my woman.
In frustration I yelled, “I’m so depressed. I don’t think I can go on… I may have to bail out of the challenge!”
“Oh. Jou’ can’ do dat. Jou suxy maan Jou.”
I turned to see who had spoken and decided life might be worth living after all…
Oh yeah, did I mention that I’m basically her personal guard and protector now? OK, so maybe I’ve had a little run of bad luck with my partners. I know complaining about it is pointless, but it’s not like I deliberately tried to hurt them. Well, maybe except for Juggernaut. The jerk.
Anyhow, Professor Xavier gave the edict that I must finish the race with my partner in order to win. OK, big deal right? Except my friend here seems to have some kind of deathwish. She wants to pet the dinosaur, she wants to taste the maybe poisonous fruit hanging off the tree, she wants to sing to the giant gorilla because music tames the savage beast, she wants to run and jump off the cliff full speed before trying the “on” button on the jetpack. Fortunately, it worked.
Unfortunately, it sputtered and died.
Was it sabotage? I don’t know. All I know is that I swooped down and just grabbed her arm before she made a big wet splat into the ocean. Rescuing people sure is fun.
Oh by the way, that was sarcasm. I don’t know if you can tell or not, but I really don’t consider myself a woman of action. I know some of the imbeciles involved in this race keep thinking I’m some kind of an intergalactic gladiator or something, but let me assure you that there is quite a bit of difference between hauling some freight fast and far across a sector and strapping on a leather thong and hitting some guy with a laser trident.
As if any of that stuff is real anyway.
So, we make it to the ship in relatively one piece and immediately Dazzler starts hopping up and down to go fight the pirates and I’m like “No way, we’re doing something safe.” I’m not getting her shot in the back by Barnacle Bill. So she starts moping that her father never let her fight pirates and he never let her sing and she just goes on and on and I’m like WTH? Eventually, I persuade her that with her singing talents, we’ll easily dazzle (ha ha, get it? Ugh) the audience.
So it’s about show time and Dazzler’s just sitting there moping about her father and her failed relationships with her boyfriends Lance, Dirk, Fabian, and Longshot and I really didn’t think of her as a diva, but then there she is refusing to go on stage. Fabian? Seriously? I thought Lance and Dirk were bad enough. And then she’d go on and on about Lance’s manly hairy chest and the chain he used to wear.
Finally, finally I coax her onto stage. The crowd was cheering and she was acting all sheepish and shy but then when that music kicked in, she rocked the house. She sang all kinds of songs and dazzled everyone with burst after burst of bright energy from her hands. She even went old school and sang a disco song while roller skating through the audience, between tables and around the cocktail waitresses. I am not afraid to admit that she was pretty awesome.
When her show ended, the crowd jumped up with roaring approval. Getting three positive reviews from this crowd will be easy. The crowd kept cheering but Dazzler didn’t go back on stage for an encore, she just slid past me and walked out into the starry night.
I quickly chased after her, grabbing two glasses of wine off a waiter’s tray along the way.
“Congratulations,” I said as I handed her one of the glasses. “You did great. We’ve definitely got the challenge in the bag.”
“If only my father could see me now,” she sighed sadly.
“I’m sorry that your father’s dead and you’ve never reconciled with him.”
“Oh, he’s still alive, he’s retired in Hoboken,” Dazzler replied.
“What?” I couldn’t believe her. “What the fracking frell is with you and all of your angsty crying?”
“Well my life’s never been easy,” she replied. “It’s been tough trying to make a career out of singing, modeling, acting, being an aerobics instructor, being an X-Man, being the herald of Galactus… Lance was always there for me, but he never understood me you know?”
“Oh my God, just stop it with the emo crap already,” I threw my arms up. “It’s been done already, and much better by others.”
“What do you mean?”
“Uh hello, how about Spider-Man?” I asked. “He’s always worried about his Aunt May and her health, and paying the bills, and his job at the Daily Bugle.”
Dazzler looked confused. “What are you talking about?”
“You know, Peter Parker is Spider-Man and he’s always worried about his personal life?”
“What?” Dazzler laughed. “No, Peter’s not Spider-Man, he takes pictures of Spidey for the Bugle.”
“You don’t remember when he unmasked?” I asked. “It was a whole big event, apparently.”
“I dunno,” she shrugged.
“Did everyone just forget all of that stuff about him one day? You know what? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. The point is, you’re a super hero with some cool powers. You don’t need to mope around all day grousing about your personal life. Be happy. Have a little fun you know.”
“I wish I could,” she replied sadly. “If only Dirk could be here now.”
“What, did he move away to Jersey City?” I asked.
“No, he got eaten by and alligator in the sewer,” she replied.
“Oh my God!” I screamed. “That’s it! I can’t take it any more. Get the frack back to your room and just sit there until the ship hits port. I don’t want to fracking hear you anymore. I can’t stand your lame whining!”
Dazzler responded by throwing her drink in my face.
“Oh, no you didn’t,” I gasped angrily as I wiped the wine off with my hand.
“Shut up, bitch,” Dazzler growled. She grabbed my glass and threw the contents in my face as well.
“Bitch,” I said. “It is on.”
I slapped her across the cheek, she slapped me back. I slapped her again and she responded with the same. I then punched her and she punched me back so I grabbed her hair as she tried to claw my eyes with her nails. I was surprised to get leverage on her, but I used it to throw her over me. She went sailing over the railing and just barely managed to grab it.
“Oh my God!” she screamed.
“I got you!” I grabbed her arm. “Whatever you do, just don’t look down!”
“Oh God! I don’t want to get chopped up in those propellers!”
“I said don’t look down!” I yelled as I tried to get a grip on her arm.
“Oh God, now there are sharks swimming all around!” she wailed. “I don’t want to get eaten by sharks!”
“I got you!” I started to hoist her arm, but she slipped and almost fell but I grabbed her wrist at the last second.
“Oh God, now there’s some sort of sea creature eating all the sharks!” she yelled. “I don’t want to get eaten by a sea creature!”
“Stupid death wish,” I muttered as I hoisted her back onto the deck.
“Oh God, thank you,” she said.
“No problem,” I shrugged.
“I still owe you this though.” She hauled off and punched me in the face again.
“Bitch!” I punched her back and she grabbed my hair so I tried to push her face away with my nails. She shoved me and I stumbled back, and then we both tumbled into the pool.
She pulled me up out of the water and slapped me again. I grabbed her and tried to shove her under the water or tear her dress or something. She grabbed me and tried to tear my dress as well.
We heard laughter and applause. Dazzler and I stopped and looked up. All around us, people were looking at us and cheering.
“This must be part of the show,” one man said as he clapped.
“It’s like a Dynasty tribute!” another older woman said joyfully.
I looked at Dazzler and she looked at me. I grinned and gave half a shrug. She giggled and threw her arm around me.
“Thank you, thank you,” she laughed. “I hope you enjoyed the show and the rest of your stay on the Caribbean Princess.”
The crowd clapped and moved on to other forms of recreation as I stood there speechless. I finally looked at Dazzler and shook my head laughing. She grinned and half shrugged back at me. I laughed, she laughed. It was cathartic.
We then enjoyed the rest of the cruise and quickly made it to the Hellfire Club with no more incidents.
And Dazzler only tried to kill herself ten or eleven times along the way.
Friday, November 7, 2008
It's been a long and challenging journey, and my mutant partner has been a pain. It will be nice to get back to my life at Primatech Paper Company. There I have highly-trained mutant partners that can actually lend a helping hand to situations. Scott has been more like a dead weight. A dead weight with a tail who occasionally wins wet t-shirt contests.
But this is it. The final challenge. As he and I jetpack our way out of the Savage Land, I think about how my fraternization with him will finally come to an end.
Suddenly, he and his jetpack exploded!
Luckily, I insisted on wearing the proper personal protection equipment. It very well saved his life, which apparently I need upon crossing the finish line. So, I had no choice but to catch his descending body and let him piggy back the rest of the way.
We landed safely on the cruise ship. I found the captain and received the detour instructions.
Cyclops looked at me and said, "I'm not even going to bother suggesting one because you always pick the opposite of what I say."
"But if you did suggest one, which would you suggest?" I asked.
"Oh, the one with pirates," he answered, "definitely! Pirates are swaggerish and sexy."
So, we began mingling with the passengers on board this vessel. Rather than fighting pirates, we would need to make sure at least three people have an enjoyable time here, or at least frighten them into giving us a positive review on the customer surveys.
"Scott," I said, "Bring all the bottles of cheap wine that you can carry. We've got to grease the wheels of romance."
There were many lonely souls on board. It should be easy enough to pair everyone up with each other for a good time.
I gave orders to Scott as I analyzed the crowd. He would go up to the individuals I selected and serve them lots of wine as well as direct their attention toward a hopefully compatible mate.
During my scheming, I was approached by a little, pointy-headed fellow.
"Hello," he said.
"Aren't you a little short for a cruise passenger?" I asked.
"Oh, not at all! Travelocity does not discriminate," it replied. "I go on many cruises."
"Yeah," I said. "That's nice and all, but I'm busy. So, get lost little guy."
His head dropped as he turned around. He wearily walked away from me. Then, I realized that he may give us a bad review, so I decided I might as well talk to him. "Wait!" I called out, "I guess we can talk for a while. Just don't get too chatty."
"Oh, joy!" he smiled as he approached again. "I'm so glad. I'm a very, very lonely gnome."
"Oh, yes. Lonely. Sad. Depressed. You should try being a spokesman for a travel agency. They send you all around the world. You're in so many timezones that you lose all sense of time. Insomnia ensues. And of course, the only things to do at these locales is the same ol' touristy nonsense that they have everywhere. Take a picture here. Take a picture there. It never ends! And they don't bother sending you with a companion, someone to take your picture, or better yet, be in the picture with you. It's a very, very depressing life."
I was getting bored listening to his tale. It seemed he already talked enough, and the snack cart was approaching. So, I grabbed a slice of cheesecake, handed it to the gnome and said, "Here. Just go to your room and eat this. Cheesecake is better than love."
"It is?" he asked.
"Of course. It's ultimate bliss. If you're a sad little guy, you should just have some cheesecake. Cheer you right up."
So, he left with his cheesecake in hand.
Scott returned for some more wine and he and I continued to couple everyone up.
These pairings would work wonders on the overall morale of the passengers. People want love and companionship, that's all. Fun is something you have when you're with a person who you enjoy and who enjoys you. I was very mathematical in my approach. I was sure that they would all be grateful.
The cruise was finally coming to an end. The captain took up everyone's customer surveys. I looked through them:
Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Me und my moosels are great togetha! Dank you!" +
Larry Craig: "He's kind of creepy." -
The King: "He's kind of creepy." -
Simon: "That was more of a mistake than the night Britney Spears was conceived." -
Paula: "Like, Simon is so great! You're great. Everyone is great. Great job!" +
Superman: "He blew his web too soon." -
Spider-Man: "He's impenetrable!" -
"Oh, no! We only got two positive marks," I said to Scott.
He replied, "That's positively awful!"
Ignoring his stupid pun, I flipped through the customer surveys a second time, hoping we missed someone. "That stupid gnome!" I said noticing that the Roaming Gnome didn't submit a customer survey.
Scott and I headed for his room below deck. I was hopeful that he would give us a positive mark. After all, he got the greatest companion of all: cheesecake.
"Hello?" I called.
I fired my gun into the doorlock and kicked the door open.
"Oh, my," Scott said seeing the helpless little dangler. "He's hung."
"That he is," I replied. "Quick! Look around for his customer survey. Hopefully he filled it out before accidentally falling inside a noose."
Scott and I went all through his room. We searched through the room, finding nothing but empty beer bottles, pornographic magazines and Joni Mitchell albums. Then, I came across a note:
To whomever should find little ol' me:
I do apologize for making such a mess of the place. If you call Travelocity, I'm sure one of their excellent customer service representatives will do whatever it takes to clean up this room for you.
Unfortunately, this is to be my last vacation. I am a gnome that shall roam no more. It is a sad life, always being on the move. I wish that it would not have come to this. Years of being all alone, with nobody to spend my life with, has taken a horrendous toll on my well-being.
Please tell Shatner that he has finally won.
As for everyone else, and my few fans, I am sorry that I have left you. I hope you can learn from my example. Do not throw your life away on meaningless pleasures, vacations in solitude trying to avoid your lonely and depressing life. It follows you no matter to where you escape.
Never roam alone,
The Travelocity Roaming Gnome
"Aww," Scott began tearing up.
"Stupid suicide note!" I said crumpling it in my hand. "It didn't mention anything about the cheesecake I gave him!" I tossed the crumpled note into the trash bin angrily.
And that's when I noticed, in the bottom of the bin, the customer survey. Blank.
Pulling it out of the trash, I said to Scott, "I think we're back in business."
"Ooh," he replied, "I hope it's a flower shop! I've always wanted to run a flower shop."
I quickly forged the gnome's signature and wrote up a phony review.
We headed back to the top deck and handed the last customer survey to the captain.
"Looks like everything's in order here," he said. "Congratulations. If we arrive at our destination, you should be free to go to the Pit Stop."
"Wow," Scott said, "we've done it! We made it through the entire race."
I could see Rio de Janeiro approaching in the distance, and I realized that Scott was right. "Yeah," I said, "we did it alright."
The ship docked. Scott and I disembarked and located our ATV. We jumped on it, along with our camraman, who was apparently a cameradog.
The three of us raced through the streets of Rio to the Hellfire Club, the Pit Stop for the final leg of the race.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Grabbing Scott by the collar, I gave him a hard backhand across the side of his face. Unfortunately, that caused his optic blast to discharge, possibly killing our cameraman in the process. Xavier supposedly had him taken to the ICU, but I haven't checked in with him or anything. I mean, it's just a cameraman anyway. We've already got a new one. These guys must grow on trees.
The optic blast/possibly dead cameraman incident postponed our announcement of our yield. As soon as we got a replacement to film our great debate over the looming decision, we continued.
"Nathan and Jan may indeed be tough competition," I explained, "but you and I have something they don't have."
"You have asthma too?" Scott asked.
"Well, yes, but that's not what I was going to say," I replied. "We have something else Jan and Nathan don't: peculiar eyewear."
"Hey, we do!" Scott stroked his visor sensually as he thought about the realization.
"And we have to make a stand and win this thing, not for ourselves, but for all the people in this world who are mocked because of impairments requiring odd head accessories...."
"You're right," Scott admitted "So who are we yielding?"
"Nathan," I answered decisively.
"But....his chiseled jaw, his wonderful pecs," Scott contemplated, "I think it would be better if we yielded Jan, strategically I mean."
I put my hand on his shoulder, "Relax," I said. "You're merely fooled by her breasts into thinking she has talent. It happens."
"Um, yeah. Breasts."
I continued, "Were it not for her feminine wiles, she'd be nothing more than Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. And he's hardly a threat. So, we're yielding Nathan. He can fly, you know."
Monday, November 3, 2008
Actually, reaching the finally three is significant because this is the final leg of the Race! This is it! Winner take all! The first team to arrive wins! The last two teams to arrive don’t! This means it’s time to get off the bench, take off your gloves and step up to the plate!
As usual, the Mutant Massacrer has struck again. Jan managed to put Unus the Untouchable in the Infirmary. Now I have been letting it slide so far that Jan has technically not been complying with the rules in that both members of a team must reach the Pit Stop together in order to complete a leg of the Race. Since none of the so-called “accidents” to her partners were directly her fault, she was not penalized. In order to win the Race however, Jan must reach the Finish Line before the other contestants with her mutant partner. This week her partner will be the Dazzler.
This final leg of the Race starts at Ka-Zar’s lair in the Savage Land. Mr. Bennet with one T gets to Yield his favorite player. Each team will be given 2 jetpacks that they will use to fly to the Falkland Islands.
A Detour presents a choice between two tasks, each with their own pros and cons. Once a task has been completed, the contestants must then race to the Pit Stop. In this Detour, the teams must choose between Host and Toast.
In Host, you must mingle with the throngs of humanity known as passengers who have signed up for this cruise in the hopes of love and/or fun. Teams that choose this task must make sure the passengers’ dreams are fulfilled. To win here, at least three passengers must give your team positive marks on the customer satisfaction survey.
In Toast, your team must fend off the raiding hoards of pirates that have been preying on cruise ships off the coast of South Africa. These particular pirates have taken to using unconventional weapons and even super-powered mercenaries on their crews so this task will not be easy. To win this challenge, you must thwart at least three pirate raids.
If a team fails to successfully complete a challenge, they will incur a time penalty, making it very hard to win this race. If . . that is I mean when . . the cruise ship arrives in port at Rio de Janeiro the teams will disembark in the order they reached the ship. Waiting on the dock will be ATV’s, one for each team. Don’t forget your cameraperson.
The teams will then race on their ATV’s through the crowded streets of downtown Rio for approximately five miles to the local chapter of the Hellfire Club. Enter the building and race for the grand ballroom, where I will be waiting to crown the winning team.
Entries must be posted by Friday, midnight, your local time.
Good luck to everyone!