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Juggernaut downed his second vial and held out his hand. “More,” I thought he said as bubbles burbled out of his mouth. An Atlantean handed him a third and he gulped that down as well.
“Go-glub-blub,” I said. This speaking thing might not be so easy.
“Ho ho, you will learn to speak underwater soon enough!” the Atlantean roared. How do you roar underwater? “We will now take you to our great emperor.”
Juggernaut and I were taken to a regal-looking chamber where a man sat brooding in a seashell throne.
“Spock?”
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“What?” Juggernaut asked.
“Choose your detour,” Namor answered impatiently.
“Well I—” I stepped forward to speak but Juggernaut quickly cupped his hand over my mouth.
“Maim! Maim!” he yelled. “I want to smash things!”
“Very well, you have chosen,” the Sub-Mariner nodded. “Tell me of your plan.”
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The undersea ruler looked at us for a moment. He arched his eyebrow.
“Is that your plan?” he replied.
“Er,” I thought quickly. Elbowing my way past Juggernaut, I continued. “Well, that’s part of the plan. The hypothetical plan. Like the, unh, mighty trident, this plan is three pronged.”
“Yeah, what she said,” Juggernaut added.
“I’m listening,” Namor nodded.
“Well, it’s a combined force concept,” I continued. “You bring in the troops right? What about the heavy artillery? You have to have some pretty mean undersea creatures just spoiling to hit the surface and start smashing buildings, don’t you?”
“Yes we do,” Namor answered. “The only problem is that many just don’t survive very well on land. They evolved to live deep beneath the sea and when they hit the surface they smash things up fairly well at the beginning, but then their hides begin to dry out and some nation with a bunch of missile launchers and tanks retaliate and either drive the creature back or destroy it outright.”
“Well that’s why we’re going to have to clone them,” I added. “What’s your most fearsome, most dangerous undersea creature?”
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“OK, I know a few people on Kamino,” I said. “They owe me a favor and would loan me a cloning machine. It won’t be easy to clone such a large creature, but we could do it.”
“Will cloning work?” Juggernaut asked. “I’ve heard stories.”
“Well sure, there are always going to be an odd clone in the mix here or there, but generally it’s a pretty sound technology,” I answered. “Clone Wars, anyone?”
“Was that the deal with Spider-Man?” Juggernaut asked.
“What? No, it was a war in another galaxy,” I answered.
“Another galaxy?” Namor’s eyebrow rose again. “That sounds far away.”
“It is,” I nodded. “Far, far away.”
“Very well,” the Sub-Mariner smiled. “I like this plan with my troops and the creatures. What is the third prong of this Trident assault?”
“Uh, the third prong,” I said. “Well, you are all creatures of the sea… you’ll work better if it’s wet out right?”
“Yes, this would be true” Namor nodded again.
“We can just totally steal the Weather Dominator,” I said. “The Joe team totally has it locked away after they confiscated it from Cobra. I’ll take one of the Joes out on a date and make him show it to me, then blamo! Pipe wrench to the noggin and free Weather Dominator.”
“Couldn’t I smash him?” Juggernaut asked.
“Sure why not.”
“And you can operate this device?” Namor asked.
“Sure, we’ll just need to get some special fuel for it,” I answered. “Let’s see… it’ll need some ionic radium, the Freon tank would have to be charged, and then add some heavy water.”
“Heavy water?” Namor’s pointed ears perked up.
“Yeah, it’s some kind of a water isotope.”
“You sure we’ll need it for that thing?” Juggernaut asked.
“Sure I’m sure. They use that stuff in all their crazy inventions. Got any?”
“We have none here.” The undersea ruler stroked his chin. “There is, however, a pool of it in the Deep Dark Trench of Doom. Perhaps you two could go procure some for me.”
“Wait, I thought this was a hypothetical invasion,” I said.
“Well it is, of course,” Namor responded incredulously. “We also use it to power the turbines in our heavy water power plant. Get me some heavy water and I'll give you a pass on your detour.”
“Yeah but I—”
“We’ll do it,” Juggernaut shoved me out of the way as he volunteered.
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“Remember, we have to be careful,” I cautioned. “The Sub-Mariner said that there are a lot of dangers within this trench.”
“Haw, bring ‘em,” Juggernaut guffawed. “I’ll take ‘em all on.”
“All right then.” The craft settled down at the lip of the trench. Juggernaut and I dropped down into it to look for the pool.
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“Giant tubeworms,” I said. “Don’t disturb them.”
“What kind of a plant is this?” he asked as he pointed the odd undersea vegetation.
“Deep sea poison cactus,” I answered. “Don’t touch.”
“What about this?”
“Deadly vampire sea sponge,” I replied. “Don’t touch anything. Anything, do you hear? This whole trench is one big ecosystem of death and we’re stuck right in the middle of it.”
“My kind of place,” he laughed. “Oh, there is just one other thing.”
“What?”
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“Guh--!” I gasped for breath.
“Too bad you gotta go,” he muttered with a smile. “You’re kind of pretty. You like your men big?”
“Get…. Bent…” I sputtered back.
“The way I see it, I’ll be doing everyone a favor.” His arm pushed into my windpipe. “They’re calling you the Mutant Massacrer, you know.”
“Not… my….”
“What?” he replied. “Not your fault? Not your fault that you destroyed all of your partners? Do you think this is just some kind of coincidence? I don’t think so.”
I started to black out when I felt the massive man haul me up and throw me across the trench. I landed with a soft thud near the cacti.
“You forgot about one thing,” I said.
“What’s that?”
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I threw sea star after sea star at Juggernaut like a space ninja throwing a bunch of space throwing stars. He held up his arm to protect his face and several struck his arm. The venom deadened the arm and it slumped, then more stars struck his face. He stumbled back and fell into a bottomless crevice.
“Nooooooo!” he yelled as he sank slowly towards the dark nothing.
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“Tell my brother—” he began.
“What? You’re sorry? You love him?”
“Tell him to shove it, bitch!” he answered as he flipped me the middle finger with his good arm. “I never could stand that wussy gimp. Haw haw!”
5 comments:
Good one.
I can't help but blame myself for Marko's treachery, at least in part. I really should have scanned his thoughts first. Oh well.
Starfish?????
C'mon here. Does anyone really believe that starfish could stun Juggernaut?
I don't.
CK, no, but deadly venomous sea stars might. They sound awful. I need to take some back with me.
We are totally soul sisters! It's like someone ripped out my brain and put in your body!
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