Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: I would not like to be under the sea

I was piloting the SHARC down towards Atlantis and having a rough time doing it. The SHARC is a one man – make that a one person – submersible and I was the only one who could fit in the cockpit. Funny thing is, I could swear I’ve seen two members of G.I.Joe riding comfortably in one once, I couldn’t tell you where though. Maybe they have a trainer version like some of those one-seat fighter planes that have an extended cockpit for just such a thing. Anyway, with me in cockpit, that put Juggernaut strapped underneath, and he threw the weight off every time he shifted or kicked his leg or did whatever else he was doing down there. What the frell is he doing down there? Never mind, don’t want to know, too much information.

We made it to the central tower and Juggernaut pulled himself off the sub so I could land it. I popped the canopy and was met by an Atlantean who silently handed me a vial. I chugged it quickly and nearly gagged on the thick liquid. Yeah, sometimes I’m a gagger, I don’t want to hear any comments on that. I felt like I was going to choke, but then I felt some kind of a physiological shift inside me. As if my lungs began to process the oxygen from the fluid in them. I took another “breath” of the salt water and my head cleared up. It almost felt normal.

Juggernaut downed his second vial and held out his hand. “More,” I thought he said as bubbles burbled out of his mouth. An Atlantean handed him a third and he gulped that down as well.

“Go-glub-blub,” I said. This speaking thing might not be so easy.

“Ho ho, you will learn to speak underwater soon enough!” the Atlantean roared. How do you roar underwater? “We will now take you to our great emperor.”

Juggernaut and I were taken to a regal-looking chamber where a man sat brooding in a seashell throne.

“Spock?”

“Silence!” he replied. “I will not hear that joke again, do you hear me?”

“What?” Juggernaut asked.

“Choose your detour,” Namor answered impatiently.

“Well I—” I stepped forward to speak but Juggernaut quickly cupped his hand over my mouth.

“Maim! Maim!” he yelled. “I want to smash things!”

“Very well, you have chosen,” the Sub-Mariner nodded. “Tell me of your plan.”

“You get all of your troops together and you go up there and you smash ‘em!” Juggernaut punched his fist.

The undersea ruler looked at us for a moment. He arched his eyebrow.

“Is that your plan?” he replied.

“Er,” I thought quickly. Elbowing my way past Juggernaut, I continued. “Well, that’s part of the plan. The hypothetical plan. Like the, unh, mighty trident, this plan is three pronged.”

“Yeah, what she said,” Juggernaut added.

“I’m listening,” Namor nodded.

“Well, it’s a combined force concept,” I continued. “You bring in the troops right? What about the heavy artillery? You have to have some pretty mean undersea creatures just spoiling to hit the surface and start smashing buildings, don’t you?”

“Yes we do,” Namor answered. “The only problem is that many just don’t survive very well on land. They evolved to live deep beneath the sea and when they hit the surface they smash things up fairly well at the beginning, but then their hides begin to dry out and some nation with a bunch of missile launchers and tanks retaliate and either drive the creature back or destroy it outright.”

“Well that’s why we’re going to have to clone them,” I added. “What’s your most fearsome, most dangerous undersea creature?”

“That would be what you surface dwellers call the Cloverfield monster,” he replied.

“OK, I know a few people on Kamino,” I said. “They owe me a favor and would loan me a cloning machine. It won’t be easy to clone such a large creature, but we could do it.”

“Will cloning work?” Juggernaut asked. “I’ve heard stories.”

“Well sure, there are always going to be an odd clone in the mix here or there, but generally it’s a pretty sound technology,” I answered. “Clone Wars, anyone?”

“Was that the deal with Spider-Man?” Juggernaut asked.

“What? No, it was a war in another galaxy,” I answered.

“Another galaxy?” Namor’s eyebrow rose again. “That sounds far away.”

“It is,” I nodded. “Far, far away.”

“Very well,” the Sub-Mariner smiled. “I like this plan with my troops and the creatures. What is the third prong of this Trident assault?”

“Uh, the third prong,” I said. “Well, you are all creatures of the sea… you’ll work better if it’s wet out right?”

“Yes, this would be true” Namor nodded again.

“We can just totally steal the Weather Dominator,” I said. “The Joe team totally has it locked away after they confiscated it from Cobra. I’ll take one of the Joes out on a date and make him show it to me, then blamo! Pipe wrench to the noggin and free Weather Dominator.”

“Couldn’t I smash him?” Juggernaut asked.

“Sure why not.”

“And you can operate this device?” Namor asked.

“Sure, we’ll just need to get some special fuel for it,” I answered. “Let’s see… it’ll need some ionic radium, the Freon tank would have to be charged, and then add some heavy water.”

“Heavy water?” Namor’s pointed ears perked up.

“Yeah, it’s some kind of a water isotope.”

“You sure we’ll need it for that thing?” Juggernaut asked.

“Sure I’m sure. They use that stuff in all their crazy inventions. Got any?”

“We have none here.” The undersea ruler stroked his chin. “There is, however, a pool of it in the Deep Dark Trench of Doom. Perhaps you two could go procure some for me.”

“Wait, I thought this was a hypothetical invasion,” I said.

“Well it is, of course,” Namor responded incredulously. “We also use it to power the turbines in our heavy water power plant. Get me some heavy water and I'll give you a pass on your detour.”

“Yeah but I—”

“We’ll do it,” Juggernaut shoved me out of the way as he volunteered.

Shortly after that, I was driving the SHARC with my overgrown companion once again slung underneath towards the Deep Dark Trench of Doom.

“Remember, we have to be careful,” I cautioned. “The Sub-Mariner said that there are a lot of dangers within this trench.”

“Haw, bring ‘em,” Juggernaut guffawed. “I’ll take ‘em all on.”

“All right then.” The craft settled down at the lip of the trench. Juggernaut and I dropped down into it to look for the pool.

“What are these big tubes?” he asked.

“Giant tubeworms,” I said. “Don’t disturb them.”

“What kind of a plant is this?” he asked as he pointed the odd undersea vegetation.

“Deep sea poison cactus,” I answered. “Don’t touch.”

“What about this?”

“Deadly vampire sea sponge,” I replied. “Don’t touch anything. Anything, do you hear? This whole trench is one big ecosystem of death and we’re stuck right in the middle of it.”

“My kind of place,” he laughed. “Oh, there is just one other thing.”

“What?”

“I got something for you from my boss Magneto.” Without warning, Juggernaut punched me right in the back and sent me sailing into a tubeworm’s chitinous column. He followed up by pressing his whole body into me and his forearm into my neck.

“Guh--!” I gasped for breath.

“Too bad you gotta go,” he muttered with a smile. “You’re kind of pretty. You like your men big?”

“Get…. Bent…” I sputtered back.

“The way I see it, I’ll be doing everyone a favor.” His arm pushed into my windpipe. “They’re calling you the Mutant Massacrer, you know.”

“Not… my….”

“What?” he replied. “Not your fault? Not your fault that you destroyed all of your partners? Do you think this is just some kind of coincidence? I don’t think so.”

I started to black out when I felt the massive man haul me up and throw me across the trench. I landed with a soft thud near the cacti.

“You forgot about one thing,” I said.

“What’s that?”

“These!” I held up a bunch of starfish. “Deadly venomous sea stars!”

I threw sea star after sea star at Juggernaut like a space ninja throwing a bunch of space throwing stars. He held up his arm to protect his face and several struck his arm. The venom deadened the arm and it slumped, then more stars struck his face. He stumbled back and fell into a bottomless crevice.

“Nooooooo!” he yelled as he sank slowly towards the dark nothing.

“Nooooo!” I yelled and tried to grab him, but he was too far for me to reach.

“Tell my brother—” he began.

“What? You’re sorry? You love him?”

“Tell him to shove it, bitch!” he answered as he flipped me the middle finger with his good arm. “I never could stand that wussy gimp. Haw haw!”