Friday, October 3, 2008

Congressman Petrelli Saves the Earth from Aliens

My Fellow Competitors:

After studiously writing down the instructions for our current task, I turned to Emma to find out if she had ever assembled a rocket. The question hung in the air unanswered because my lovely and voluptuous partner was no where to be found. I walked the corridors, breaking into rooms hoping to find her. As I came to the end of one especially long corridor, I heard the dreaded sound of someone under attack. Fearing it may be my precious and beautiful Emma, I burst through the door ready to attack. The sight that befell my eyes will haunt me for the rest of my life. For standing in the middle of the room, yes I did say standing, was Hot Wheels, and…and…sob… Well, naturally, it was an awkward situation, so I tried to make him less embarrassed by saying, “I think I just threw up in my mouth.”

Hot Wheels seemed strangely perturbed. “Get out of here you idiot before I call Number one.”

“Number one?” I asked. “You’re going to pee on me, and why aren’t you in your wheel chair? Have you been faking it hoping for sympathy from the chicks? That’s low, even for you.”

Hot Wheels growled. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. My name is Captain Jean Lu…”

“Hey, say no more. I’ve been known to do a little role play in my time, and I can see your friend is getting a little anxious so I’ll let you two get back to whatever it is you were doing.”

With a knowing wink at his unusual lady friend, I turned and left. It was time to find my lovely Emma.

I searched through the entire station until I found her in a work bunker. When she saw me, she threw a wrench at me. I was easily able to side step it. It turns out she had been working on the assembly of the rocket all along.

“You’re zero help Petrelli.” She said angrily. “I’ve just put the finishing touches on our rocket and we’re clear to go!”

“Oh, don’t be angry. I was looking for you, my sweet.”

She crossed the room with lightening speed and grabbed my nether regions. “If you call me your anything again, I’ll freeze these off for you. You got that, Junior Senator?”

I nodded yes, but I have to be honest with you guys. I think that now…since she has examined my goods, she’ll be able to think of nothing else. Oh yeah….

Emma poked me in my chest. “Stop smiling. I don’t like it.”

Naturally, I stopped smiling and followed her onto the rocket. As soon as we had clearance, we were on our way. When we reached the Starcore space satellite, I urged Emma to let me choose the Talk task. Negotiation is what I do best. She didn’t seem to like the idea but figured I was less likely to get us killed in a peace negotiation so she agreed.

It was kind of touch-and-go at first. They were asking all the hard questions…such as: “Why were you humans touching our ships? Why are you always trying to spy in outer space? Why do you allow programming such as this, continue to rule your airwaves? I mean seriously, how many seasons before it gets too old?” I fielded every question with suave sophistication, making promises that they wouldn’t realize were lies for another forty years. I was really quite impressive. Finally, they agreed to maintain peace and not attack the earth, but only one condition…The deal had to be sealed by marriage. I looked at Emma out of the corner of my eye. She was shaking her head no. The head of the alien commission noticed our exchange and said, “You misunderstand. I need a husband for my daughter.”

Thinking quickly, I assured him marriage wouldn’t be a problem. “Of course, I’m already seriously involved with someone else, but I do know another man who would be perfect. He’s a company man and he understands about taking one for the team…not that marrying your daughter would in any way be a hardship…”

“Shut up while you’re ahead.” Emma whispered.

“Well here is his picture.” I said as I passed him the photo. “He may be working on another task write now. I’m not sure which detour he took; but either way, I’m sure we can get him to the church on time.”

As we walked away, Emma said, “Isn’t Bennet married?”

“Yes, he’s married but to help out the earth he would work around it. If I’m wrong…Well if I’m wrong, then my Mother gave birth to some secret love child that I don’t know about.”

Emma just shook her head…”Hey Emma, why don’t we grab a bite to ea….”

“Don’t ask me to eat with you. I don’t like it.”

…so, dear competitors, that’s how I saved the earth from alien invasion. I’m such a hero.


Mr. Bennet said...

I would never marry someone's daughter just to protect Earth from utter destruction. However, if he were interested in buying some paper....

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

A lot of words come to mind when I think of Nathan Petrelli, "hero" isn't really one of them.

Vegeta said...


Henchman432 said...

I think we all should just Pimp out Koma.

Professor Xavier said...

First of all, that wasn't me. A Skrull maybe?

Second, I liked the way you established peace and got rid of Bennet. Sort of killing two birds with one stone.

captain koma said...

Henchy you are not my pimp and I am not you crack ho.

Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

@ Bennet: There are probably a few reems of paper under one of the rolls. You can hunt for it on the honeymoon.

@ Jan: You only say that because I have never unleashed my lovin' upon you. Perhaps one day. If the lord is willing.

@ Vegeta: I know what he's getting for his birthday.

@ Henchman: ? Sure?

@ Xavier: I'm a great multi-tasker

Nepharia said...

I would gladly volunteer Havok to take Bennet's place.