Thursday, October 16, 2008

Military Seduction

I have a problem.
"And thats how I died and ended up in hell" concludes Lin.
"What are you still doing here?" I ask the red headed synthoid.
"Koma!" scolds Lin. "I just finished telling you how I ended up in Hell."
Okay make that 2 problems.

How am I going to find the room for all three of us in a single seater amphibious aircraft from GI Joe?
And how am I going to get rid of Lin?
There is enough time for me to make a solution, but there's no way Doom would let me have the parts for what I'm thinking of. If only I had something to cannibalize? Getting rid of Lin isn't easy she's got access to the teleport system and a huge arsenal of weaponry and.....hang on!

"Koma why are you looking at me like that.....?" asks Lin nervously.

20 minutes later Victor turns up and I've finished my solution to our feast of minimum occupancy.
"Hey! Where's robo-sex on legs?" grunts Victor.
"I'm here Victor." assures Lin's disembodied voice.
"Your a twisted little freak aren't you Koma." guesses Victor reaching the conclusion that I'm sure you've all jumped to.
"I don't care." I say turning Shrink-ray Lin on Victor.
"Your next Bob." I tell him. "Don't think Shrink!"
Of course your all expecting me to turn the ray on myself, HA!

"Resize me or I'll kill you Koma." screams Victor but he's only an inch high. I can't even hear him.
"I'm sorry I can't hear your little voices." I shout back. "Anyway at your current size you couldn't come close to killing me."
"When are you going to put me back together?" asks shrink ray Lin.
"Master controls active. Jeanie mode." I order.
"No!" complains Lin at first. "Your wish is my command master."
"Quiet." I order.

Arriving at the Atlantean Citidel I resize Victor and Bob leaving Lin to put herself back together.
"Hey you better take some oxy-gum, so you can all breathe underwater" offers some kid.
"Hang on why are you here?" I ask the human child.
"Oh there's this girl and we have a hot thing going on." he says. "There she is. I gotta go bye."
"Mermaids are hot!" utters Victors accurately.
The mermaid wasn't the only reason why the kid racked off, the gum tasted like midori and pinaple. Ugh!

We get to the palace and are introduced to he of the tight green underwear, Namor.
"A villain and his lackey." spits Namor. "Xavier's really whoring himself for this reality television."
He offers the two choices and guess what? They rhyme, and they're lame.

"Isn't there a wet t-shirt competition in the Olympics?" asks Victor.
"Yeah." I reply. "But its not an official competition. More of an exhibition sport."
"But that worked for beach volleyball." added Bob
"Sorry guys." I tell them. "I don't think wet t-shirts would work. The Chinese would always get done for using illegal enhancements."

Namor's best and brightest were gathered to hear my plans for dry-land domination.
"What has always stood in the way of Namor's plans to take over the air breathers?" I ask the gathered group.
"Captain America."
"Reed Richards."
"You're all wrong." I tell them. "Its Women. Namor is always beaten by the fact that he thinks first with his manhood.


even alien

If its got the right things in the right places Namor would sell you all out for her. How many times has he been undone by that blond tramp Sue Richards? You all know I'm right, this is the problem."
"I agree our Kings libido is only matched by his ego." begins the eldest one. "But what do you suggest to solve this? Obviously you do not demand castration. We require Namor to sire heirs."
"You would be risking death just suggesting so." adds another. "Why do you think he walks around in his underwear all the time? He wants everyone to know how large the royal member is."
They all begin arguing about Namor's gonads. One even suggested that Namor stuffed squids down his trunks.
"Whoa! Calm down guys." I call my hands in the air. "We can't change Namor and he'd definitely kill me if he knew castration was even mentioned. I suggest we fight fire with fire."
They all look at me the idea just dawning on them. I go for the hard sell.
"Are not Atlantean women sexy? Then why doesn't Namor chose one of your own? Its because men want something different and exotic. I say that your next attack be subversive and subtle. That you seduce the heads of government with your women in the same way Namor has been seduced. Mermaids, Sirens, Green skinned women. You have at your command an arsenal of lust that no air breathing man can resist. Domination is in your reach."
They cheer and offer me congratulations. Then the eldest quiets the others down.
"How do we begin laying the seeds for this plan to work?" asks the elder.
"Have you ever heard of the Internet?" I smile.


Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

That's a good plan, mermen are pretty hot. Except for that one I met on Eternia -- bluaagghh.

Mr. Bennet said...

Research purposes only, I assure you.

Professor Xavier said...

Figures Bennet would be a total perv.

Of course so is Koma for even coming up with such a plan. Hopefully the Women's Lib movement hasn't made its way undersea, for your sake.

captain koma said...

What can I say sex sells. Bennet proves it.

Nepharia said...

Wow, subverting the world's government AND turning a profit. What an idea.

Paula Abdrool said...

I want to shave off all your hair and make a shirt out of it that I can wear every day!!