Monday, September 15, 2008

Nathan Petrelli knows how to bag em!

Startled by the sound of Hot Wheels firing a gun, I jumped and ran toward the closest Ford Expedition. Clearly, everyone else was just as alarmed because they ran like mad for their Expeditions too...

I have to confess; I was a little confused. I showed up at Xavier's school after receiving an email demanding my presence. I figured Hot Wheels needed a little advice on the ladies or something; but by the time I arrived, he was giving directions in the middle of the parking lot… Apparently, I had been entered into a contest of champions by someone else...
Well naturally, I felt I should give a formal acceptance speech or something, which is what I intended to do before Hot Wheels started shooting off firearms. It only took me a few seconds to realize the gunfire wasn’t meant for me. After I collected myself, I climbed on top of the closest car to offer a few words of gratitude to my many admirers.

Clearing my throat I began, “My fellow competitors. For those of you who have not had the privilege of meeting me prior to today, my name is Nathan Petrelli. You may remember that I ran for Congress in this wonderful state of NY just a short while ago; and more recently I was shot during a press conference. In fact, you may have noticed a little bit of blood on my shirt, but just ignore it. The wound hardly even hurts at all. In the days to come, I will be a source of light and comfort to many of you, who will discover you are not as talented or as outrageously good-look…”

“…Hey!... Wait!... Where is everyone going? I have two more pages left in my speech! Guys!”

All my pleas fell on deaf ears as the parking lot emptied faster than a bordello during a police raid. As I climbed down from the Expedition, I let out a pretty hefty sigh and watched them start to drive away. From behind me, I heard a feminine voice declare, “I don’t think they were impressed with your speech…or you.”

I turned to offer a biting piece of sarcasm and almost swallowed my tongue. In front of me stood a vision defying all description. In all honesty, I may have drooled. I was pulled out of my impure thoughts by my head being invisibly whipped toward the sky.

“Look, I don’t know what you’re use to; but you’ll look me in the eyes or you’ll walk around with your head permanently craned to catch bird poo on your forehead. Is that clear?”

“Um, yes Ma’am…If you don’t mind, how are you holding my head in this position? You’re not even touching me.”

Releasing her hold on me, she gave me a disinterested look. “Let’s just say I have a powerful mind, and leave it at that. Now let’s go. Oh, and by the way, my name is Emma. Don’t ever call me Ma’am again.”

I nodded my head and hurriedly turned toward the Expedition. I opened the door and glanced over my shoulder. Seeing Emma was still behind me, I propped my foot in the door and slowly leaned forward to tie my shoe, all the while, flexing my buttocks muscles. This new, powerful chick may think she’s immune to my charms, but she’ll soon learn…I’m the Candy Man… No… Not the creepy one.

The one Christina Aguilera sings about here.
When I realized she was already in the car, I jumped in the driver’s seat and pointed the car toward Moose Jaw, or at least the direction I felt the town should lay. I turned to Emma and gave her my best sexy smile, but she just rolled her eyes and said I should consult a map. How ridiculous could she be…? I’m a man’s man. I don’t need to consult maps. I could follow the road signs and when they fail me I can roll down the window and follow the smell of Moose Dung. It’s how my ancestors did it.

Much, much, later Emma was mentally pushing my nose up against the glass of the driver’s side window. “Now, when I tell you to stop and ask for directions, are you going to listen?”

“Yes, Ma’am…I mean, yes Emma.” After a few moments Emma released me, and I wondered if it would be a good time to tell her I liked dominant women.

Much, much, much later we arrived at a detour. Emma turned to me and said,”Make a choice quick. I’m on the verge of homicide here.”

I sat quietly for a moment, reading over the notes I took from Hot Wheels’ big speech. “I think we should choose the claw detour.” Turning the Expedition down the claw path, I took a furitive look at my traveling companion. “We may have lost some time when I made that wrong turn, but I think we can finish this task pretty easily and make up some time.”

Emma looked at me as though I dribbled on myself. “You think Wendigos are easier than a shaman in a sweat hut? I guess we can add drug use to your list of political attributes.”

This time I rolled my eyes at her, “Of course Wendigos are easier to get. I’m rich, we can just go to a dealer once we arrive and I’ll buy one.”

Emma’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Dealer?”

“Once we get the Wendigo, I guess we can abandon the Expedition. That’s a shame, It’s a sexier kind of automobile…"

Raising his eyebrow and winking at Emma, he added, "On the other hand, there should be beds on the Wendigo…”

Emma’s confusion turned to incredulous irritation. “You moron, we’re not picking up a Winnebago. We have to catch a Wendigo.”


Much, much, much, much later, after a brief explanation from Emma, I puked and brushed my teeth, not at the same time naturally. We then devised a plan for catching one of the Wendigos. I was more than a little bit nervous, but Emma felt I should be bait. I knew she was right. My hotness factor has always extended to the animal kingdom…and probably to this Wendigo kingdom as well...

We traveled further into the wilderness. Emma decided to hide while I lounged about on a giant rock. It was freezing out there. I couldn’t help but hope the Wendigo showed up soon. I had an irrational fear of shrinkage. It happens; even to well endowed studs such as myself. I’m not 100% sure, but I think I heard Emma giggling from her hiding place.

The sound of a loud growl silenced the laughter, as well as my heart. I lay very still until a Wendigo came rushing out of the brush at break neck speed. I jumped up with a plan to run, but fear made another instinct kick in…I was in the air flying before I could give it a conscious thought. The beast was on the ground making angry feral noises until it picked up another scent in the air. I could see it turning toward Emma’s hiding place.

I had no choice but to ignore my fear and fly back toward the beast. I landed behind it. “Hey, creepy thingie! Over here!” It turned toward me and sniffed the air, saliva dripping from its rancid, smelling mouth. All I could hear was the screaming in my ears, when suddenly the creature fell to its knees and toppled over unconscious. Even though the Wendigo was unconscious, I could still hear screaming. Emma stepped toward me and slapped me hard across my face…The screaming stopped.

“Oh,…that was me…”

“Yeah, stud. That was you screaming like a girl. Now, help me tie this thing up so we can get back on the road.”


Much, much, much, much, much later we finally arrived at the pit stop. I wasn’t sure if we were the last to arrive or not, but I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face… Emma had called me stud… Yep…I knew she wanted me all along.”


Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

I like that Emma, she's got 'tude.

Nathan Petrelli: Bleeding To Death said...

She has many appealing attributes.

captain koma said...

You seem to be playing the stupid male here. How long do you think you can keep that up?

Professor Xavier said...

Now what on Earth would make you think I'd want to shoot you Nathan?

Nathan Petrelli: Bleeding To Death said...


@Hot Wheels--I know you secretly envy me...

Professor Xavier said...

Well, at least you didn't get your mutant partner blown up, like certain Intergalactic Aviator's I could mention.

Henchman432 said...

Good times.

Nepharia said...

Nathan need a dominant woman. I want to see what he's like after a week of Emma's influence.

captain koma said...

Lets just face it and all come to the same conclusion. Emma is NEVER going to let you have her. So why don't you just give up. It will be a whole lot more painless.

Nathan Petrelli: Bleeding To Death said...

@ nepharia...I don't mind a dominant woman. I'm secure enough in my manliness to let a woman take charge...

@ koma...You weren't there with us as we bonded. I can feel her resolve weakening. She's going to want some Petrelli lovin' eventually. I know it.

captain koma said...