Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: Take Off

“Mon cher, we could make beautiful music together,” Gambit leered at me from his seat in the Ford Expedition.

“Shut up,” I rolled my eyes.

“You must be a member of the T’ieves Guild because you have stolen my heart,” he continued.

“I said shut up,” I repeated. “Don’t even try it. I’m not going to fall for your lame lines.”

He wouldn’t stop.

“Perhaps you are a mutant also,” he smiled. “Perhaps your mutant power is to seduce the minds of men.”

“My mutant power is to break my foot off in yo ass!” I yelled. “Don’t make me use it.”

Gambit crossed his arms and stared out the window. We rode in silence all the way to our destination. It was a long drive, but I can’t complain. The less I heard from this tool, the more I liked it.

We reached Moose Jaw and were quickly flagged down by two men in winter coats and wool hats.

“G’day, eh,” said one. “I’m Colonel Bob and this is my brother Colonel Doug. Say hi, eh.”

“Take off you,” Colonel Doug replied to his brother. “I’m Colonel Doug, how’s it going, eh? We’re your liaisons to Department H, so I guess you’re here to help out with our little Wendigo problem.”

“Oui, mon ami,” Gambit replied. “Like wrestling gators back home, non?”

“Oh yeah eh,” Colonel Doug nodded. “Yeah these Wendigos are real beauties, eh. They got all glowing eyes and big teeth and those hosers took all our beer too, eh.”

“It was the good stuff,” added Colonel Bob. “Molson.”

“Yeah, eh,” said Colonel Doug. “An’ it’s hockey season too, eh.”

“OK then…” I replied. “So uh where are they?”

“Oh right that way, eh,” Colonel Doug pointed.

“Yeah, in the woods,” Colonel Bob pointed as well. “Do you wanna borrow my tuque?”

“No thanks,” I waved them off as Gambit and I marched into the woods. We were about 100 meters in when Gambit pulled out a deck of cards and nonchalantly began shuffling through them.

“What are those for?” I asked.

“I charge dem, mon cheri,” he grinned as he held one up. It began to glow with some kind of energy. “I can throw them and dey go boom.”

“Cool,” I said. Actually, that was kind of cool. “Why don’t you use something with more density, like Super Balls or rocks or something?”

“Dis is my trademark,” he answered. “Dis is how I roll, my sweet.”

“You get no bonus points for saying that,” I snapped back at him. Then I smiled just a bit. Yeah, he’s laying the bit on way too thick but he is kind of charming. I mean, I wouldn’t push him off a boat or anything, right?

“Wha’s that up there?” the mutant thief pointed. I peered through the shadows of the woods and saw some sort of glint. Like an evil toothy smile or something. I unshouldered my blaster rifle and we stepped forward towards it.

“Who’s there?” I called out. Whatever it was, it seemed human. We couldn’t be sure though.

“Oh hello, hello there.” A woman stepped out of the shadows. She was dressed in a conservative business suit and an innocent smile. Her hair was pulled back behind her head and she wore a pair of glasses. It took a moment to register, but I definitely recognized the face.

“Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin!” Gambit and I both exclaimed.

“Yes, that’s me,” she said innocently. “I was flying back to my home state of Alaska when my plane, uh, crashed. Yeah, that’s what happened.”

“Are you bleeding?” I asked as I reached for a medipac in my cargo pocket. “There’s blood on the corner of your mouth.”

“Oh this?” she dabbed the corner of her mouth with her finger, looked at it, then licked it clean. “No, I was just eating, you know.”

Gambit looked around the tree and groaned “Ugh, that’s disgusting, cher.”

I peered towards my partner, at his feet the bloody carcass of a moose sprawled across the forest floor. A chunk of meat was torn from its neck.

“Well I have to eat something,” Governor Palin tittered.

“That’s sick.” It felt like my stomach was doing flip flops. “Look lady, this place is pretty dangerous right now, why don’t we get you out of the woods and get you someplace safe. Maybe get some real food in you so you don’t have to eat the mooses.”

“Oh you’d like that wouldn’t you?” she replied. “But you see, I can’t have you ruining my plans.”

“Plans?” Gambit and I asked in unison.

“Yes plans.” The Alaskan governor pulled out a map. “Why does Canada get all these wonderful natural resources and we can’t even touch them? I say it’s not fair. That is why I am planning to send the Alaskan National Guard into Canada for its oil and delicious moose. I just needed to scare people away with the Wendigos and this whole Yukon Territory and Northwestern British Columbia would all be mine. Mine!”

“Wow,” I sighed. “That’s just evil.”

“Of course it’s evil,” she sneered. “I’m a Republican.”

“Who would have thought…” Gambit shook his head.

“That a political ideology could make someone so evil?” I asked.

“No dat someone would go for such an easy joke, mon cher” he replied.

“Well it’s too bad for you because I’m not letting you stop me, either.” From behind her back, she produced a hunk of meat on a bone.

“You gonna hit me with a moose steak?” I sneered cattily.

“No, I’m going to do this!” Palin bit a chunk out of the meat and gulped it down. Magical energies swirled around her and she doubled in size as white fur sprouted all over her entire body.

“Ew, furry,” I shivered. The Wendigo took a swipe and me and sent me flying across the woods. I moaned from the impact but quickly fired back with my weapon. The creature easily shrugged off the blasts and was about to charge me when Gambit vaulted in between us, the long pole in his hand crackled with energy.

“Run for it, cher!” he yelled to me.

“No way, I’m ending this,” I growled back. I pulled my Datapad from my cargo pocket and called up my ship the Pegasus Elite, it would soon be here with its guns blazing. “Give it up, Palin. It’s over.”

The creature looked at me and howled out a noise that sounded like some awful mixture of a growl and a laugh. She then casually picked up Gambit by his arm and snapped it like a twig. Gambit howled in pain and she continued by slamming him by his leg into a tree. He dropped to the ground with a sickening thud.

“Make me!” she laugh/growled.

“That’s it, you’re toast,” I replied and used my remote control to fire several blasts right at her. Explosions rang through the forest as a giant fireball erupted right where she stood.

Later at the Pit Stop, I sheepishly shrugged to Professor Xavier about what happened.

“Sorry about Gambit,” I said. “He’s got a few broken bones and it looks like he’s in a coma.”

“That’s quite alright,” he replied as several of his students loaded the unconscious mutant into their jet plane. “He did sign a waiver, after all.”

“Yeah well, I still broke my partner,” I said. “I guess I’m out of the race, huh?”

“Not necessarily,” the Professor answered. His voice sounded a little strained, but he didn’t seem too upset. “I suppose I could get another mutant to take his place.”