Mission One: Our Expedition

"I already have a mutant partner," I said. The Haitian nodded silently. "Tell Cyclops I won't be needing his services."

Cyclops let his head drop as he slowly walked away from us, while Vince Guaraldi's "Christmas Time Is Here" played in the background.

Xavier spoke up, "Sorry, Noah, but your Haitian is not an approved mutant. You've been assigned to Cyclops." He called out to the depressed monocular man, "Get back over here."

Cyclops looked happy as he frolicked his way back to us. The Haitian however let his head drop as he slowly walked away from us, while Vince Guaraldi's "Christmas Time is Here" played in the background.

"Oh, well," I said, "I made it through most of season two without him. Let's do this!"

"Yay!" or something like that, Cyclops cheered.

I grabbed my new partner, appropriately mind you, and we made our way to my Nissan Armada. "Get in," I commanded.

"Um, I think we have to use that," he said pointing to a beautiful and brand new Ford Expedition.


"A Ford? I only drive Nissans," I protested. I looked nervously at the vehicle as the other contestants began driving away. "Oh, alright!" I finally gave in and soon we were on our way!

Thanks to my expert driving skills, we were able to quickly catch up to, and pass, most of the other teams. Then, thanks to my expert run-over-the-random-debris-in-the-middle-of-the-road skills, our engine died.

"You idiot," Cyclops said. "You probably punctured something!"

I pulled the vehicle to the side of the road. "Well, look under the hood," I commanded. "I'm going to call in for a replacement vehicle."

As Cyclops made his way to the front of the Expedition, I dialed a number on my cellphone. A couple of rings later, West answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey, West," I spoke. "It's Mr. Bennet. Our car died, so we need a lift to Moose Jaw. How about flying me and Scott over there?"

"Um, I think that's against the rules, sir."

"Yeah, you're right. We should follow the rules, like good robots."

"Robots!" he screamed. "I'll be right there."

I heard what sounded like a knife wound to the gut. "What was that?" I asked.

"Ugg...it was just, uh, a knife wound to the gut," he gargled. "Umm...I'd love to fly you guys over here, but X-23 thinks that wouldn't be a good idea. Women. Anyway, I'm losing a lot of blood now. Talk to you later. Goodnight."

My plan had failed. It was probably for the best, though. I'm sure Xavier would have considered it cheating. However, this meant we'd have to wait on a replacement vehicle from Charles or count on Scott's mechanical abilities to fix it.

I got out of the vehicle and walked over to Scott. "So, do you happen to have any mechanical abilities?" I asked.

"Not really," he said. "I've never been a very manly X-Man, you know?"

"Well, I just work with paper," I replied. "Just have a look, maybe you can wiggle something and get it working again."

He leaned in close to the engine. "Looks okay to me," he said. "I wonder where that tube goes." As he talked, he removed his glasses for a closer look.

The blast from his eyes ignited an engine fire. I dove quickly for cover.


The replacement vehicle and a team of medics arrived as the fire died down. One of the nameless crewmen reluctantly handed me the keys. "I hope Xavier's got good insurance," I said as I took them from him.

Soon, we were on our way, once again. This time, I opted to avoid debris in the road and we made it to Moose Jaw.

"What detour should we do?" I asked. As Scott began to reply, I added, "Forget it, we're doing the vision quest. Come on." I raced quickly to the local tribe. I was expecting Ewoks, and was disappointed.

"Oh, well," I said sadly, "we're already here, so let's just do the silly vision quest."

"That's the spirit!" Nathan Lane shouted.


I turned, startled, and asked, "You're the tribal elder?"

"Sure am," he replied. "Broadway only pays so much, kid."

"I'm not a kid," I objected.

"Oh, isn't he great!" Nathan Lane said to no one in particular.

"Who are you talking to?" I questioned.

"No one in particular."

The three of us stood silent staring at each other for quite some time. Finally, Nathan yelled out, "Right! The vision quest. Let's get to it."

He handed us each a marijuana cigarette.

I looked at the energetic actor and asked, "Do we have to smoke this stuff?"

"Smoke it, snort it, dip it in caramel and eat it with some nuts for all I care. You're the druggies! Can you believe this guy?" Again it seemed like he was talking to no one in particular.

Scott and I looked at each other and both decided to go for it. As we lit our respective blunts, Nathan Lane shouted, "This is your brain on drugs!" and slammed a frying pan into Scott's head.

"I could have just shot him," I said before being hit by the frying pan myself.

* * * VISION QUEST * * *

I woke up somewhat groggy from my frying pan induced vision quest. "Did I win?" I asked as I got to my feet.

"Did I win?" Nathan Lane repeated saracastically. "This guy! Did you find your place in the Universe?"

"I think so. I'm supposed to achieve a constant state of mediocrity, never rising to the highest ranks but always maintaining authority and control over common pawns."

"Good job!" Nathan Lane clapped.

"What about Scott?" I asked noticing he was standing near a tree crying.

"Oh, he found his place too! Horrible stuff, apparently. Didn't want to go into details, but it does involve Ian McKellan!" he explained enthusiastically, "Now there's a knight I wouldn't mind spending a night with!"

I took Scott by the arm and pulled him away from his sobbing. "Come on. Let's get to the pit stop."

"There were...nipple clamps," he shuddered.

"It's okay," I reassured him. "Now let's go!"

We drove back to Moose Jaw and parked our Expedition near the pit stop. As we raced to the finish line of this leg of the race, I said, "Fords aren't that bad. Maybe I'll trade in my Nissan."

Back at the parking lot of Xavier's School for the Gifted, my Nissan Armada let its headlights drop as it slowly rolled away, while Vince Guaraldi's "Christmas Time Is Here" played in the background.