Saturday, November 8, 2008

The One In Which I Made a Few Love Connections

My fellow finalist and blog readers:

I have good news and bad news. The good news, we’re on our final challenge. It’s been a long road filled with adventure and love, even if Emma doesn’t want to admit it. The bad news, Bennet, oh how I loathe that man, has placed a yield on me. $@#$ One day I’m going to get even with him, but it will have to be after I repay him for saving my life and raising my illegitimate daughter. I wouldn’t want to appear ungrateful or anything. #@$#

Ten minutes later…More good news, although, the yield might cause problems, I decided not to whine and make the most of my time, so I went to find Emma so I could collect on her promise several posts back. She is supposed to give me a little action. I put on my best suit, splashed on a little man perfume, and practiced my most dazzling smile in the mirror. “Oh Yeah, I’m irresistible.”

Another ten minutes later….More bad news, when I got to Emma’s room, she said she had to wash her hair. I thought it looked fine, but she was rather insistent. By the time she was finished, it was time to make our way to the Falkland Islands. Hummm. It sounds like an opportunity to wear less clothing and bath in the sun… I wonder if Emma can be more scantily clad than she already is?

“Why are you staring at me Petrelli?”

“Huh, what? I’m not, I was just thinking.”

She looked at me for a second before saying, “Nah, too easy.”

Grabbing our two jet packs, she threw one to me. I’ve never worn a jet pack before, but it looked sort of kinky so I went with it. There wasn’t anything sexy about it though. As soon as I put it on, it propelled me into the sky like a rocket. I passed birds, airplanes, and one oddly shaped UFO before it sputtered and died on me. I pushed buttons, I cursed, I cried and then I plummeted toward the earth.

Although, Emma said I screamed like a girl, I emphatically deny it. It was a manly yelp based on gravity confusion. I could hear Emma yelling my name. Poor dear, she loves me so much. She must have been terrified at the thought of losing me. Unfortunately, I was so terrified, I couldn’t comfort her, but I could see she had changed direction with her own jet pack and was heading toward me. Suddenly, she was beside me, my scantily clad angel. I reached out to her, but she knocked away my hand. “You idiot, you don't need me. You can fly on your own.”

Well,… “Oh yeah.”

I willed myself to stop my downward spiral and found myself floating in the air. I looked to Emma and said, “I was just testing you,…just so you know that.”

“Yeah, right Petrelli, let’s go.”

Ten minutes later, and we had arrived on the Princess Cruise ship, also known as the Love Boat. “Oh yeah, this is my kind of place.”

“Come on Petrelli, we don’t know how far the others have gotten in their tasks yet. Let’s find this Stubing and get on with the challenge.”

I followed her dutifully to the control room where we were both greeted by Captain Stubing. Emma sighed heavily, and told him, “Skip the spiel. From the way Petrelli is salivating, I’m sure he is going to choose Host.”

Stubing scratched his bald head, and said, “Let me introduce you to our cruise director, Julie McCoy. She has the passenger list. Feel free to coordinate with her to make our passengers’ dreams come true.”

I grabbed the list and flipped through it, picking out several people at random. I showed it to Emma and encouraged her to lounge by the pool. Satisfying the fantasies of others is my specialty.

The first on my list was Chuck Norris, a man’s, man. He is rugged, strong, a man of few words and he came aboard because the next port of call will put him one step closer to his dream. He wants to relive his glory days back when he trudged through the thick brush of the Brazilian Rain Forrest.

Also on the list was this woman, known only as Flo. She is a waitress, slightly loose with a lot of attitude. She’s looking for a strong rugged man who will pursue her and make her scream for Jesus.

“Kiss My Grits, Congressman Petrelli! I never said make me scream for Jesus…Well, not exactly.”

“Calm down Flo. Let me introduce you to one of our esteemed passengers, Chuck.”

I motioned for Chuck to come closer. “Chuck this is…Chuck?”

I noticed the dazed look in his eyes but before I could ask if he was alright he pulled out a huge machete. “Look at that!” he yelled, pointing at Flo’s hair. “Wild fire in the bush!” With a primal yell, he charged at her.

Flo screamed, “Sweet Jesussss! Ahhhhhh!” and took off running for the stairs.

I noticed Emma eyeing me from the bar where Isaac was trying to chat her up. I gave her the thumbs up sign. One happily satisfied couple down and two to go…

I pull out the passenger list again. Next on the list was this man, Mr. Furley. Although a little homophobic, still a basically nice guy. He runs an apartment complex for men sexy enough to have three female roommates. (I’ll be putting my application in as soon as we get back to shore.) He’s looking for a little bit of loving on this cruise, and I think for obvious reasons, he needs help.

“What do you mean? I’ll have you know I’m a stud.”

I pat him apologetically on the shoulder. “Sorry, Mr. Furley. I’m a stud. You’re more of a dud; but for every man, there is a woman-- perhaps in your case a desperate woman. Ahhh, speaking of which, here is your date now….

Allow me to introduce Alice. She is a maid for a very large family. She loves kids, cooking, cleaning, and marrying well past her prime.”

Alice moved forward to shake his hand, “Hello, will you marry me? I have an excellent butcher friend. I can get you free meat?”

“Free meat? Well, I hate to pass up a bargain like that. Tell me, are you opposed to brown paper bags…?”

“I’m not opposed to them, if you’re not opposed to them.”

…and off they went. Two couples down and one couple to go.

Our next lucky passenger is … Me. “I’m an incredibly sexy man. All women want me, even though they don’t always admit it right away. I’ve been a confirmed bachelor for years, even when I was married to my first wife, Heidi. However, now, I want to settle down, for real, with the love of my life…” Yep you guessed it…

“This is Emma. She is well endowed and sort of dominates the men in her life. I’m OK with that.”

The sputtering that could be heard from the bar was caused by Emma. She stood and staggered toward me. Aha. She was drunk and some what powerless to kill me…unless she wanted to take out the whole ship at the same time… I couldn’t believe my luck. I helped her to a chair and was about to commence my wooing…when I heard a blood curdling scream. It was Flo.

She ran past me and yelled, “You no good falootin’ politician…You’re gonna’ kiss my grits and then some, when I’m through with you.”

I was a little worried, so I followed her back to the bar and bought her a few drinks. After her fifth one, I slipped her the satisfaction form for her to sign. Woo Hoo…I was pretty excited because that meant I was still two down…so I got up and made my way back to Emma only to find to my shock….

“FOILED!!!!” It was the Fonz. He was onboard to pick up some chicks, and he had picked up mine!!! No!!!

I said, “You can’t have her.”

He said, “Heyyyy…”

I said, “I saw her first.”

He said, “Heyyyy.”

I said, “Let’s just ask Emma.”

She said, “hehehehehe…Leather.”

I said, "#$#$%$."

He said, “Heyyyyyy.” And then he walked off with my girl. I mean, yeah he said good things on the satisfaction form and technically I made my quota, but he totally stole my woman.

In frustration I yelled, “I’m so depressed. I don’t think I can go on… I may have to bail out of the challenge!”

“Oh. Jou’ can’ do dat. Jou suxy maan Jou.”

I turned to see who had spoken and decided life might be worth living after all…


Professor Xavier said...

What's Flo complaining about? You did get her to scream for Jesus.

Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

Ya know, that's how I felt about it too..

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...



captain koma said...


You win for me Petrelli

Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

@ Jan: You seem to have that down...what are you doin' later.

@ Koma: Thanks, one vote is better than no vote.