It's been a long and challenging journey, and my mutant partner has been a pain. It will be nice to get back to my life at Primatech Paper Company. There I have highly-trained mutant partners that can actually lend a helping hand to situations. Scott has been more like a dead weight. A dead weight with a tail who occasionally wins wet t-shirt contests.
But this is it. The final challenge. As he and I jetpack our way out of the Savage Land, I think about how my fraternization with him will finally come to an end.
Suddenly, he and his jetpack exploded!
Luckily, I insisted on wearing the proper personal protection equipment. It very well saved his life, which apparently I need upon crossing the finish line. So, I had no choice but to catch his descending body and let him piggy back the rest of the way.
We landed safely on the cruise ship. I found the captain and received the detour instructions.
Cyclops looked at me and said, "I'm not even going to bother suggesting one because you always pick the opposite of what I say."
"But if you did suggest one, which would you suggest?" I asked.
"Oh, the one with pirates," he answered, "definitely! Pirates are swaggerish and sexy."
So, we began mingling with the passengers on board this vessel. Rather than fighting pirates, we would need to make sure at least three people have an enjoyable time here, or at least frighten them into giving us a positive review on the customer surveys.
"Scott," I said, "Bring all the bottles of cheap wine that you can carry. We've got to grease the wheels of romance."
There were many lonely souls on board. It should be easy enough to pair everyone up with each other for a good time.
I gave orders to Scott as I analyzed the crowd. He would go up to the individuals I selected and serve them lots of wine as well as direct their attention toward a hopefully compatible mate.
During my scheming, I was approached by a little, pointy-headed fellow.
"Hello," he said.
"Aren't you a little short for a cruise passenger?" I asked.
"Oh, not at all! Travelocity does not discriminate," it replied. "I go on many cruises."
"Yeah," I said. "That's nice and all, but I'm busy. So, get lost little guy."
His head dropped as he turned around. He wearily walked away from me. Then, I realized that he may give us a bad review, so I decided I might as well talk to him. "Wait!" I called out, "I guess we can talk for a while. Just don't get too chatty."
"Oh, joy!" he smiled as he approached again. "I'm so glad. I'm a very, very lonely gnome."
"Oh, yes. Lonely. Sad. Depressed. You should try being a spokesman for a travel agency. They send you all around the world. You're in so many timezones that you lose all sense of time. Insomnia ensues. And of course, the only things to do at these locales is the same ol' touristy nonsense that they have everywhere. Take a picture here. Take a picture there. It never ends! And they don't bother sending you with a companion, someone to take your picture, or better yet, be in the picture with you. It's a very, very depressing life."
I was getting bored listening to his tale. It seemed he already talked enough, and the snack cart was approaching. So, I grabbed a slice of cheesecake, handed it to the gnome and said, "Here. Just go to your room and eat this. Cheesecake is better than love."
"It is?" he asked.
"Of course. It's ultimate bliss. If you're a sad little guy, you should just have some cheesecake. Cheer you right up."
So, he left with his cheesecake in hand.
Scott returned for some more wine and he and I continued to couple everyone up.
These pairings would work wonders on the overall morale of the passengers. People want love and companionship, that's all. Fun is something you have when you're with a person who you enjoy and who enjoys you. I was very mathematical in my approach. I was sure that they would all be grateful.
The cruise was finally coming to an end. The captain took up everyone's customer surveys. I looked through them:
Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Me und my moosels are great togetha! Dank you!" +
Larry Craig: "He's kind of creepy." -
The King: "He's kind of creepy." -
Simon: "That was more of a mistake than the night Britney Spears was conceived." -
Paula: "Like, Simon is so great! You're great. Everyone is great. Great job!" +
Superman: "He blew his web too soon." -
Spider-Man: "He's impenetrable!" -
"Oh, no! We only got two positive marks," I said to Scott.
He replied, "That's positively awful!"
Ignoring his stupid pun, I flipped through the customer surveys a second time, hoping we missed someone. "That stupid gnome!" I said noticing that the Roaming Gnome didn't submit a customer survey.
Scott and I headed for his room below deck. I was hopeful that he would give us a positive mark. After all, he got the greatest companion of all: cheesecake.
"Hello?" I called.
I fired my gun into the doorlock and kicked the door open.
"Oh, my," Scott said seeing the helpless little dangler. "He's hung."
"That he is," I replied. "Quick! Look around for his customer survey. Hopefully he filled it out before accidentally falling inside a noose."
Scott and I went all through his room. We searched through the room, finding nothing but empty beer bottles, pornographic magazines and Joni Mitchell albums. Then, I came across a note:
To whomever should find little ol' me:
I do apologize for making such a mess of the place. If you call Travelocity, I'm sure one of their excellent customer service representatives will do whatever it takes to clean up this room for you.
Unfortunately, this is to be my last vacation. I am a gnome that shall roam no more. It is a sad life, always being on the move. I wish that it would not have come to this. Years of being all alone, with nobody to spend my life with, has taken a horrendous toll on my well-being.
Please tell Shatner that he has finally won.
As for everyone else, and my few fans, I am sorry that I have left you. I hope you can learn from my example. Do not throw your life away on meaningless pleasures, vacations in solitude trying to avoid your lonely and depressing life. It follows you no matter to where you escape.
Never roam alone,
The Travelocity Roaming Gnome
"Aww," Scott began tearing up.
"Stupid suicide note!" I said crumpling it in my hand. "It didn't mention anything about the cheesecake I gave him!" I tossed the crumpled note into the trash bin angrily.
And that's when I noticed, in the bottom of the bin, the customer survey. Blank.
Pulling it out of the trash, I said to Scott, "I think we're back in business."
"Ooh," he replied, "I hope it's a flower shop! I've always wanted to run a flower shop."
I quickly forged the gnome's signature and wrote up a phony review.
We headed back to the top deck and handed the last customer survey to the captain.
"Looks like everything's in order here," he said. "Congratulations. If we arrive at our destination, you should be free to go to the Pit Stop."
"Wow," Scott said, "we've done it! We made it through the entire race."
I could see Rio de Janeiro approaching in the distance, and I realized that Scott was right. "Yeah," I said, "we did it alright."
The ship docked. Scott and I disembarked and located our ATV. We jumped on it, along with our camraman, who was apparently a cameradog.
The three of us raced through the streets of Rio to the Hellfire Club, the Pit Stop for the final leg of the race.