Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Finish

The Finish, the End, the point at which I don’t have to look at or listen to any of you small minded no talented pricks any longer. Mmmm, just of thought of this makes me feel wonderful on the inside. I could rub my man nipples for hours thinking of that.

Rightio, I suppose I should review all the other contestants, recap to draw this out longer, perhaps say nice things about the losers to sooth their egos. But I really don’t want to, I have better things to do with my time. If you have questions about my judging, give a yodel on the comments section and I’ll answer them to the best of my god-like abilities.

So it’s the final three, all selected to Host instead of take on pirates. Makes it easy to compare all your attempts since no one tried to be unique. See let us take a looky loo at your attempts.

Bennet: Excellent job, you actually mostly achieved what you were tasked to do. You also managed to get some pesky garden vermin killed in the process. Not too shabby. Actually, this was a good showing on your part.

Jan: How sad that Xavier saved your most vapid useless partner until last. You had a strong showing and Dazzler’s breasts made an excellent effort at entertaining. But a hair pulling fight? How cliché.

Petrelli: If we’d only known the way into Emma knickers was booze and some leather clothing, I would have invested in some of both from the very beginning. But I liked your attempt at coupling up passengers.

So who won? Well, it’s been a crazy long race, my little peons, and you three have raced better than all the others. But who was the best? Who raced the fasted and strategized the best? None of you really, I think it’s all sheer dumb luck that has you three here. But whatever the reason, only one of you managed to milk that luck to the very end.

And that person first to the finish is…

Nathan Petrelli! You must have been motivated to haul your fanny at warp speed after getting your girl stolen from you by an ugly man with a small vocabulary and even smaller brain. Congratulations, may this take the sting out of your strike out.

Jan and Bennet, you both were excellent this time, it was very close. Veryveryvery close. And no, Bennet, I don’t hold you hooking me up with Paula against you, lots of people try, but I prefer my women not to be a train wreck. Everyone did an excellent job and should you have questions about why I judged as I did, leave a comment and I’ll try to answer it.



Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

Congrats, Petrelli, I guess having those blackmail photos paid off after all.

Ok, I have two questions:

1. Why did you judge the way you did?

2. How much cash does we get for second place? The interspacial warp phase coupler burned out on my ship and I need to replace it.

captain koma said...

Ok here's my question.

Where did I screw up?

Using Lin?
Not using Victor enough?
Not killing the dealer?
Not Killing Bennet?

Vegeta said...

Congrats Petrelli.

Meh I know where I screwed up, so really don't need to ask.

Mr. Bennet said...

Gah! I knew I should have said 'shot his web' instead of 'blew his web'!

I really thought I had it with that last post. The Travelocity Gnome! Come on! That's the Amazing Race's Nordic little mascot!

Oh, well. At least one of Claire's dads won, that's all that matters.

Professor Xavier said...

Congratulations, Nathan! Well done.

Bennet, personally I thought the gnome hanging himself was a bit of a turn off. My favorite bit was the Spider-Man/Superman pic and Arnold going gooey over his own muscles.

Mr. Bennet said...

Aw...and here I thought the gnome story was a poignant allegory about the loneliness of Man. That depressed little statue just cost me a million bucks!

But on a less self-absorbed note, Congratulations Senator Petrelli. You definitely maintained a consistent lead the entire race. I tried my hardest to beat you (stupid, insignificant yield!), but you won....this round.

Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

i won.. I Won... I WON!!!!

Yeah, I always knew I was destined for greatness, and I didn't have to let the world explode to get it.

In your face, naysayers; and a hearty thank you to those who wished me well.

Seriously, the competition was tough; and in spite of my normal self-confidence, I was a little surprised I made it so far. I guess it's like Simon says, he,he,he, I rode the luck tidal wave to the shore.

So remember fellow bloggers, stay the course, ask not what your planet can do for you, but what you can do for your planet, and finally, Yes we can!

Nepharia said...

Congrats Petrelli!

Henchman432 said...


Simon said...

Jan, I'm ignoring you.

Captain Koma: You had some good posts, but after a while it seemed like your stuff was getting cheesy teen romance novel. You can be a good entertaining writer, but it seemed like sometimes you'd fall back on bad habits and I think that's what did you in. Lin didn't do you too many favors.

Simon said...

Bennet: You were very close with your post, it was excellent. Either line would have been awesome. Nathan won not solely on his last post but on his overall showing. The final three all had a weak week/post at one point or another but managed to stay in because of strong past performances. You get bonuses in the race for a strong showing, so this was the best way I could translate that. And yes, the yield thing was hard to factor in, though if people did something entertaining while yielded, that helped them. I liked the gnome.

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

Simon, I'm going to say to you what I said to that one guy who I slept with who then went running back to his wife and kids:

I will not be ignored.

Professor Xavier said...

I just got a chill.